I got little 'airs... growin' outa' my face!

at 02/26/11 7:02PM

Ahem, I guess I should mention that this is a man post, for my fellow compatriots of the male gender. I do not expect females to understand... and if you do... then I worry about you.

A lot.

You know, as life goes on, it's the little things that you can find humor in.

When I was fifteen, I used to be able to go a week without shaving... Now i'm stretching it at three days. Not that I mind looking scruffy, In fact I never much cared what I looked like.

But it has since become an issue of... necessity to shave no fewer than twice a week, else the little 'airs become too thick and coarse to be cut by any mere razor.

This is met with frustration by myself, because I'm... ah... frugal.

Yeeeesss. Doesn't everyone reuse trash bags? plastic utensils? mouthwash?

No?

Okay, maybe cheap is a better word.

So I buy the cheap disposable razors, and try to make one last... four months? six?

Purchasing an economy pack of twelve should by all rights last me upwards of five and a half years! All for the bargain price of SIX DOLLARS!

Works good in theory.

Human trials, however, have proven painful. After the second week of use, the blades feel dull, tugging slightly, but tolerable.

After three weeks... It feels, and looks, as if a starved rat was given free range of my neck.

You see, spending money actually brings me physical pain. I just need to reach the point of when that pain is rivaled by the meat grinder that my neck is subject to.

Then, the problem will solve itself.

But people have started asking questions...

"Dude, what did you do to your neck?"

"You want some ointment for that?"

And of course...

"If I was your wife, I'd have rung your neck ages ago."

Kudos.

At least the physical torment takes my mind off the prongs of emotional fire being thrust at me.

Speaking of fire, I did watch a fellow on Youtube use some Axe body spray and a lighter to burn his facial hair off... hrrmmmmmm... Smell clean and clean shaved, at the same time... that's economy for you.

Blessed,
Zaph'

I know what I'm getting you for your b'day. Just sayin'

by donnajo at 02/26/11 7:26PM
I don't reuse my mouthwash! That is awesome! ha.

by LittleHers at 02/26/11 8:42PM
I have an electric razor. I think it was on sale for around $40. All I have to do is brush it out occasionally and oil it. It's pretty great. Quick, too.

by sr15min at 02/26/11 8:49PM
I am thinking a special Joe fund needs to be started. ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!

by teelduo at 02/26/11 9:01PM
Yes, yes I did feel bad for a demon... But can you really say you're surprised?

by kattath at 02/27/11 2:52PM
My husband said "feel lucky you only have to shave TWICE A WEEK!!!!!" He has to shave sometimes twice a day @@
We do budget Mach 3's, if he uses anything else then his whole face looks like a rat munched on it. So for us it is worth it. I do collect coupons and try to find bargans on the repacements bc they cost so much.

And just to let you know women can relate to this. There are some of us that can't use cheap razors on our legs and under arms or they to will look like your neck. Just sayin....think about it L@@L!!!! :)

by kerifieldsrice at 02/27/11 4:34PM
Oh, tell your wife to expect something from me in the mail the next week or so... I saw something the other day and had to get it for her!!!

by kattath at 02/27/11 4:59PM
I can relate...shaving one's legs with a cheap razor creates major razor rash....a reasl embarassment in the days before we wore long pants. I definitely cringe when I think about burning the hairs off...had enough fire yto last a lifetime.

by brady at 02/28/11 10:39AM
Hmm... I have to shave twice a week too, which is pushing it. However, in the 3-4 years I've been shaving, I'm only on my second razor. And they're not expensive razors either. Maybe I *should* resign myself to getting an new one.... :P

by sirtarin at 02/28/11 1:01PM
I think you need to invest in a straight razor. Yeah, it may cost a bit up front, but it will save you a lot of money(and skin) in the long run.

by notcaptainweird at 02/28/11 4:06PM
Didn't you just read what my blog said, Joe?

by juliamiriam at 02/28/11 4:21PM
A Mach 3 or something similar usually costs about $10.99. Wait until they go on sale for $9.99. Get a coupon for $4.00 off, and then combine that with the store cash offered (at such places as WalGreens, Rite Aid, CVS) of up to $5.00. 99 cents for a Mach 3...I've done that deal before for Jeremy. There's the female side of this post.

by big_bertha_blue at 03/06/11 6:19PM
Hey there! Long time no see. How are you and laurie doing?

by angelfish at 03/08/11 10:46AM
Dude... I am concern for you with a great concernity! Sounds like Sweeny Todd or something. Bleeccckk. :P

by the_rainy_dog at 03/10/11 12:03AM
It was great seeing you tonight!!

by juliamiriam at 03/28/11 10:29PM
hey Joe whats your favorite book of the bible?

by ducttapeking at 09/06/11 7:59AM
proverbs is one of my favorites that and the letters are pretty close to awesome.

by ducttapeking at 09/23/11 10:32PM
Ecclesiastes are you kidding that was the most depressing book I have ever read. it puts ya in perspective.
see ya latter

by ducttapeking at 09/24/11 10:42AM
Hey joe! Hows it going??

by angelfish at 01/20/12 11:49AM

02/23/11 7:14PM

5 little things that irk me:

1-Snobby fast food employees. Apparently an extra helping of attitude is on the house.

2-People talking during a movie in a theatre. If I wanted to listen to chit chat, I'd be in my car with the radio.

3-Paying a dollar for a piece of paper, in a bank that already has my money. I feel totally like a valued client, after paying a dollar for a paper with my statement on it.

4-Bitter Co-workers. Yes, I'm aware the company doesn't value you as a person... that's what your family is for.

5-This slot WAS reserved for cats... but I might be assasinated for even hinting that I dislike those obnoxious fur puking creatures. Instead, I'm going to go with... buying clothes from the thrift store that rip on the first day of use. I really could have bought five brand new pairs of pants by now.

----5 little things that I love----
1-Bad Weather. Rainy, sleety, snowy, stormy glorious day!

2-Jeans. I'm pretty sure they store energy. I don't feel like I'm ready for anything, unless I've donned a pair of good rugged jeans.

3-The smell of gasoline, grass, and smoke. Not together. And not related to eachother. Not the nasty cigarette smoke, but fireplace smoke. Makes me think of the country, cool weather, friends and family and happy times.

4-Food. Need I say more?

5-Coming home to a loving wife. No words for coming home to someone who's been waiting for you all day.

You know, it was a lot easier coming with the list of things I like than the list of thing i dislike. A good sign, I'd say.

What are some of your blessings?
Blessed,
Zaph'

BittyKitty obnoxious? Fur puking yes, but obnoxious? And I won't even bring up KittyFace. Thanks for not letting us know how you really feel ;)

by donnajo at 02/23/11 7:19PM
Your blog never fails to make me laugh...:)

by sallyanne at 02/23/11 7:57PM
Yay for 1b and 2b!! So true!

by snoopy at 02/23/11 9:08PM
My cat had a weird attraction to barbed wire fences!

by LittleHers at 02/23/11 9:58PM
I'm pretty sure that's six things you don't like.

And I was surprised to see that "coming home to a loving wife" was number five on your list.

I must agree about the grass, though, especially recently mowed grass.

by Megalexandros at 02/23/11 9:58PM
Your uncle Craig wants to know why you put your wife last. If it were him, the wife is FIRST!

by teelduo at 02/23/11 10:14PM
Brian, my wife is not techinically number five, she was just mentioned last so that she is the last image in the readers mind when they finish reading the post. kinda like credits in a movie.

by zaphenath at 02/23/11 10:14PM
Yes I am fully aware he is trying to store up points with me, but I love him for it. LOL

by teelduo at 02/23/11 10:15PM
i knew i'd catch fire for that

by zaphenath at 02/23/11 10:15PM
Joe I agree 99.9% especialy about the cats! It is very cool to be able to nail one during a snow storm when. You have no chboice as your brakes are worhless and there is no hope to "steer" around the stupid animal. Just the satisfying THUD as you hear it bounce off the floor board of your car! SMILES all around!

by sayni at 02/23/11 10:26PM
Please send all above hate mail to CRAIGS INBOX NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!

by teelduo at 02/23/11 10:28PM
I love reading your entries. :)

by cyber_space_cadet at 02/23/11 11:52PM
Not a cat fan either.
My husband is pretty awesome and I understand your logic in putting Laurie last....very sweet of you :)

by kerifieldsrice at 02/24/11 8:38AM
^don't humor him. ROFL

by teelduo at 02/24/11 10:27AM
Hehe. Nice lists. =)

by sirtarin at 02/24/11 2:21PM
I love cats.... medium rare...(this is Bill!)

by sugarcane at 02/24/11 7:28PM
I like your lists, except that I am OK with cats and definitely don't have a wife. Everything else, I agree with (:

by ominie at 02/24/11 7:30PM
I am with you “bad” weather, grass (especially right after someone else has mowed it!) fireplace smoke and food are happy thoughts. I have not worn jeans in decades (not stretchy enough, wow, I’ve definitely hit middle age) and I like being the loving wife waiting for my hubby to get home. Shame on you about the cats, but at least you tried to restrain yourself, even if your dad couldn’t! :)

by thejoyoftom at 02/24/11 11:15PM
Haha, well, the braces aren't too bad so far. Granted, it's been frustrating, but the outcome will be worth it, I hear. :)

Yay for happy lists! I was wondering thereupon seeing your irksome list that perhaps you are turning to the darkside of negativity... :O Glad to see you have an easier time coming up with the better ones. Those are good to write up and keep stored in the mind. It's also good to see that you and the mrs are doing good. :-)

by the_rainy_dog at 02/25/11 10:00AM
I began reading "The Screwtape Letters" for a class at FC. I only read as much as we had to for the assignment, because I had too hard of a time not feeling bad for one of the two, even though they were both supposed to be bad...

by kattath at 02/26/11 2:23PM

A word from the wise...

at 11/24/10 6:03PM

ALWAYS wear helmets.
Helmets can be the one thing that can protect you against brain damage, fatal injury,

and losing some much valued facial attractiveness.

One might even say THAT would be a fatal injury.

Unless, of course, you already are showing signs of brain damage. Like trying to do something like the above...^^^

It defeats the purpose of wearing a helmet when clearly there is nothing inside your head to protect.

And now he's missing a face too.

Anyway, remember, always wear your helmets, and don't do drugs.

Zaph'

"Yeah man, I'm good... hey... anyone see where my nose went?"

by zaphenath at 11/24/10 6:05PM
Gravity wins... everytime.

by zaphenath at 11/24/10 6:06PM
giggle sad very sad

by teelduo at 11/24/10 9:47PM
I'll keep these things in mind.

by cyber_space_cadet at 11/24/10 9:51PM
Yes I know for sure we need to keep an eye on Dot cause she is so likely to be doing this! ROFL

by teelduo at 11/24/10 9:56PM
ooooo! Nice :)

by snoopy at 11/25/10 1:18AM
Ooooh! that was painful to watch, but I did twice.

by thejoyoftom at 11/25/10 11:34AM
I have done similar things but my face/brain is nurmal.

by LittleHers at 11/27/10 11:56AM
You have that level of absence of mind, and then you have this:

by sirtarin at 11/27/10 1:20PM
That made me laugh!

by sallyanne at 12/05/10 11:15AM
Thanks! So you know, it's *congratulations. There isn't a 'd' in it.

by Mercy_Rush at 12/23/10 5:08PM
Love you so, GM

by teelside at 12/24/10 7:40PM
Olive Juice Stew, Joey-Joe. :)

by mrsfionacharming at 12/31/10 7:17PM
^^^ BAHAHAHAHAHA

by teelduo at 01/01/11 3:00PM
No, my other cousin Daniel. Daniel Baker.

by notcaptainweird at 01/01/11 8:19PM
you know it.

by israel at 01/27/11 10:47PM
I don't know whether to laugh or cry whebn I remembeer that this is the younger generation...the ones who will be running things in the future....are they brave or just lacking in brain cells.

by brady at 01/28/11 8:58AM

What not to do when courting...

at 10/27/10 11:11PM

It was a rainy overcast sunday afternoon when I found myself at the brown house with my fiance.

It's a regular tradition to spend the sunday afternoon at the browns.

Family time, or something like that.

Finding myself alone with Laurie, I looked down and spotted one of my favorite modern inventions!

THE 'OVE GLOVE!!!!

"Made of Nomex and Kevlar, this is the glove that makes you feel like a superhero. Withstands temperatures up to 540 degrees, and does not catch fire or melt! Handle scorching light bulbs, baking pans, wood-burning stoves, and more! Fits either hand."

Absolutely amazing.

The power of superman... In the palm of my hand.

So in a moment of inadvisable adrenaline fueled ecstacy, I threw on the glove and balled a fist.

"See Laurie, this way I can knock you around and not leave bruises. No one would be the wiser."

Right then a door clicked shut behind us. Wes had just entered the room.

He just bowed and shook his head.

So much for timing.

*No wives were hurt, threatened, or used in an otherwise inappropiate manner for the making of this post*

To God be the glory,
Zaph'

:D

by Mercy_Rush at 10/27/10 11:15PM
I love "family time". Especially when I know there will be stories coming out of it. Of course sometimes I'd rather not hear them. ;)

by donnajo at 10/27/10 11:15PM
LOL! (Gotta say that I've always wanted an Ove Glove.)

by cyber_space_cadet at 10/27/10 11:33PM
^ Love, love , love my 'Ove Glove.

by donnajo at 10/27/10 11:46PM
You are such a goof! Love you nephew!

by teelduo at 10/28/10 12:28AM
haha!

by snoopy at 10/28/10 12:33AM
haha, oh...

by sr15min at 10/28/10 1:12AM
*Chuckles*

by sirtarin at 10/28/10 11:31AM
Thanks Joe.

You are waaay to funny!! love reading your blogs!!

by kerifieldsrice at 10/28/10 12:39PM
hahahahahahaha. Maybe I should visit more often to check up on Laurie. :)

by mrsfionacharming at 10/28/10 7:00PM
Poor Laurie! :)

by kayhack at 10/28/10 9:23PM
Oh gracious. what ever shall we do with you Jo?

by notcaptainweird at 10/29/10 9:12AM
^how bout not call me Jo?

by zaphenath at 10/29/10 5:29PM
Wow, you sure do know how to make a girl feel special! x) Give Laurie a pat on the back for me, will ya? Hehe.

by the_rainy_dog at 10/29/10 8:24PM
This is one funny blog!
LOL over your comment on my page. I did mention that it was not our goal to get like that so be nice ;). Seriously, you should see those muscles at work. It is rather amazing. But, we just want the healthy BMI, heart and some all around fitness.

The whole muscles-body builder-physique can be really gross and look unnatural. That is definitely not on the agenda!

by sallyanne at 11/10/10 8:12AM
Talk about putting your glove in you mouth! (Joe do you have e-mail at home?) Grandfather

by teelside at 11/11/10 7:06PM
OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT (OR GLOVE).

by brady at 01/28/11 8:54AM

Why I don't go into restaurants anymore

at 08/14/10 11:15PM

I was by myself, starving, and on a tight budget, so I did what any red blooded american guy does, who isn't worried about his physical appearance.

I visit the shrine of the Golden Arches. Mcdonalds.

Now, during my time here in Bama, I've found there are two places in this state where you can find crazy people with very little effort. The first is Mcdonalds.

The second is Walmart. Have you ever seen the creatures that inhabitat that place after midnight? Like a circus show. But... that's for another time.

So I'm standing in line, and I order my usual. Five Mcchickens and a large frie and drink.

'Told you I wasn't worried about my figure.

Waiting in line, this man, a black fellow, well dressed in dockers pants, sweater, and wingtip shoes, turned around and asked me who I was cheering for in the Super Bowl.

I've been trying to be more friendly to strangers. Maybe strike up a conversation every now and then. I really hadn't made much of a habit of that for fear of being shanked by a homeboy or something.

So I smiled friendly, and replied; "Well sir, I'm from Indiana, so I'm cheering for the colts. How 'bout you?"

To this he raised his hands to the heavens and cried out, "SAINTS!! SAINTS!! NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!" He then took a few steps forward, into my own personal bubble, and cried out in my face, "You know what saints are, don't you boy?!"

Too busy trying to resist the urge to NOT shove the man away from me, I failed to reply quickly enough.

"SAVIOURS!!!! SAVIOURS!!!" he bellowed to the ceiling. He again looked at me and, if possible, stepped even closer. "AMEN!" He cried, as if in answer to himself.

"You know that the colts came from Baltimore before they was in Indy, don't you?" his eyes narrowed as he continued to stand a handsbreadth from my face. "You know what else came from Baltimore?!!"

No. But I didn't bother voicing my oppinion. I instead rested my hand the pocket knife that hung on my belt, just in case things continued to digress. Though I was pretty sure I wouldn't need it. The man barely came up past my nose.

But things indeed continued to digress as he answered his own question.

"KU KLUX KLAN!!! THAT'S WHO!"

Ohhhh boy.

My first instinct was to take a tally of the individuals in the restaurant. I did, and alas, the only other white people there was a rather large man and his toddler son standing across the lobby, trying very hard not to make eye contact with me. I sidle my way and stand next to him. We gotta stick together, right?

You know, for precaution's sake.

I'm at this moment praying for my food, and hoping I don't get shanked or something.

A lady in front of him at that moment dropped a hand full of coins on the floor. Probably digging through her purse for a gun to bust a cap in some white boy kkk supporter.

But the coins seemed to distract the man, as he got down on his hands and knees and, almost underneath the woman, started collecting the coins. I noticed as he rose he dispensed them in his own pocket. His food was ready by that time and he ran out, without another word, driving his mercedes benz.

Everyone in the restaurant had at that time decided to ignore my existence, even my fellow white companions.

I ate my lunch in silence, keeping a wary eye out for any more crazies, while inwardly wondering if the kkk truly did come from baltimore... And why even the nice respectable looking people were on crack.

To God be the glory,
Zaph

9-28 of 28 comments « prev 1 2 next »

That's crazy!! You have quite the hysterical writing style that I'm not sure whether or not to believe the happenings sometimes. X-D Haha! You write well, my brother. Keep them coming! Pleo needs more of your posts. :)
Don't worry about that email! Apology is accepted, good sir-- release yourself from the grasp of Guilt!
I haven't been doing very much story writing, but I have started and further developed a story idea I came up with quite some time ago about Dragons and Humans. I shall have it all written some day. Maybe I'll even get you and Laurie a copy! :) May God bless!

by the_rainy_dog at 08/15/10 11:49PM
Oh, Joe, you do me good. :) I needed a laugh today.

by Mercy_Rush at 08/16/10 12:55PM
Indiana? I was just there. I like it pretty okay. :)

Interesting story, though. Personally, I like the Colts, but I was rooting for the Saints. A little closer to home. :)

by bucsfan at 08/16/10 5:32PM
Woah, your comment is making me all warm and fuzzy inside. Now just watch it all go to my head and completely ruin my "talent".

by runaweasgood at 08/16/10 8:39PM
I can say that has never happened to me. I have seen a guy dressed up like a pirate at Taco Bell. That was on the way to Alabama.
But I was still in Indiana.

You only eat 5 Mcchickens?

by LittleHers at 08/18/10 6:35PM
Oh gracious.

And yes I have seen the crazies at Walmart. 3 AM seems to be peak time for them.

by notcaptainweird at 08/21/10 9:52AM
HA! Oh, I miss you. :) I never did play with Josh.

Speaking of Splinter Cell, Caleb was really mean to me last week. I asked him if I could have the game to play some, so he gave me the game boxes. I was so busy, though, that I didn't open them until a week later and, surprise, they were completely empty. It was a terrible time for me.

by mrsfionacharming at 08/24/10 9:29PM
Why do these things never happen to me. (or up north)?

by LittleHers at 08/24/10 10:21PM
So funny. Don't get my girls started on what they see when they people watch at Wal Mart in Moody, AL. Oh, boy!

by sallyanne at 08/28/10 1:41AM
I still have that red purse.

by juliamiriam at 08/28/10 2:53PM
And a window with your name on it.

by juliamiriam at 08/28/10 2:54PM
The fern can help you see lights. Just roll it up and smoke it. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

by teelduo at 09/04/10 10:34AM
If you hold onto it while it is still on fire , it will light you up! ROFL

by teelduo at 09/04/10 10:35AM
You certainly seem to experience some wild occurrences. =)

by sirtarin at 09/04/10 5:27PM
You need to tell us about your Walmart experiences.

by LittleHers at 09/08/10 9:49PM
To put it succinctly, he made a lot of promises he changed his mind about/forgot, and he is now tentatively 'dating' someone else. His words were something to the extent of "i have faith we'll work out, but me closing off my options is not faith." So whatever. Definitely feel sucker-punched. If you want details, reply to my emails! :P

by Mercy_Rush at 09/09/10 9:26PM
I don't know who you are and I'm not sure why I wandered over to your little corner of Pleonast but that was hilarious. Thanks for putting a smile on my face so early in the morning.

by didow at 09/18/10 9:10AM
Hey! Happy late anniversary to you and Laurie! It was on 10-10-10, no? :)

by the_rainy_dog at 10/11/10 10:50PM
I may have flair, but I'm completely lost as to what you mean by that.

by Megalexandros at 10/16/10 11:20PM
Uh, thanks? . . . I guess?

by Megalexandros at 10/19/10 11:22PM

151-155 of 155 entries « prev 1 2 … 27 28 29 30 31 next »

I got little 'airs... growin' outa' my face!

02/23/11 7:14PM

A word from the wise...

What not to do when courting...

Why I don't go into restaurants anymore

zaphenath

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