Life is different...you obviously know that your life will completely change when you have a baby, but you never REALLY know until it actually happens. :) Emerson is about 10 weeks old now. You know the weird thing is, I was so worried about labor. I think all first time moms are nervous about that part. Everyone always tells you how difficult and terribly painful it is. And let me tell you, YES, it is!!! But I went into it knowing that, expecting that. And I also went into it expecting that when Emerson was born, I would be so happy, so in love, so in bliss. I knew I would lose a lot of sleep, but hey, I thought that would be the worst part. No one ever tells you that the first couple of weeks are almost like a nightmare. No one tells you that you might be thinking "What have I done?!?!" No one ever tells you that you might not be as in love with that little bundle of joy as you thought. It was tough. I was having A LOT of difficulty breastfeeding, battling emotions and the baby blues, trying to figure out how to live a normal life. I kept thinking, "How in the world does everyone else do it?!!?" Finally I realized, it just takes some time....If I had to give some advice to new moms, I would say, let yourself take it easy for as long as you need!!!! Don't think you have to go to the store or make a meal or do any kind of chores those first few weeks. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it either. And don't feel like a horrible mother if you aren't loving being a mommy at first! Someone called me up the second Sunday after Emerson was born wondering why we hadn't come to church...it made me feel guilty, like I should have gone. And now I'm thinking, seriously?!?!?! I just went through 17 hours of labor and now I'm trying to sort through this whole new life. Where do you think I was??!! The first place we went (besides home) was to church, and I have to admit, I was sooo nervous. I didn't want people coming up to me, talking to me, trying to hold him. I was so scared he was going to cry, and then what would I do!?! Or that he would get hungry, and I was scared to feed him there, and having trouble with it anyways. My heart was beating fast the whole service, and I kept telling Jesse that I wanted to leave early. I don't know if any other first time moms went through that, but if so, no one ever told me.
Now I don't want to make it sound all negative. The only reason I can even admit to all of that is because now things have completely changed...I am sooo in love, and I am in such bliss. He seriously melts my heart. And I absolutely love being a mother!!!! But that feeling didn't come as quickly as I had expected! I went to the grocery store the other day to buy diapers, and it just thrilled me! haha...I know that sounds strange, but it was like, wow, I feel like a real mom! I am buying diapers now. lol. And I am soooo glad that I get to stay at home and be with my little man all day. Jesse asked what my typical day is like and I told him that I mostly just snuggle and play with and feed Emerson all day. Every now and then I can get a few chores accomplished. Before having a baby, I thought that if I was a stay at home mom that I would always be able to keep the house clean, make dinner, and take care of everything at home, but honestly, it's actually more difficult now to stay on top of chores and to make dinner than it was when I was working full time!!! But that's okay...because taking care of Emerson is most important. He is at that age where he smiles and coos, and it is so wonderful!!!!! He knows his momma, and it's the best feeling in the world!! Who cares if I haven't dusted in a few weeks. I just have to let that go. ;) He will grow up so quickly, so I want to cherish these times! I love snuggling with him, co-sleeping with him, playing with him, rocking him/feeding him to sleep. I was reading a book where mothers were upset because they HAD to rock their baby to sleep, he wouldn't just go to sleep on his own, and this book was discussing solutions for getting your baby to sleep on their own... what?!?! I LOVE rocking him to sleep!!! I'm his mom. He's 2 months old!!! Do I really want him to be independent right now?? I want him to need me! It feels almost empowering that I am still his life source. :) I am learning and growing as a mom, and it didn't take long to realize that I can't expect to do things the way I used to before he was born. Like I said, you know your life will change, but you never really know until it happens. Someone told me that being a mom is always more difficult than you thought it would be, but always more wonderful than you ever thought it would be too. And it's so true. :)
I went to the doctor today at exactly 38 weeks pregnant. I have been having cramps quite a bit lately, so I went in thinking that my body must be making some progress! Well, nope, it's not... I am not dilated yet, and the nurse said Baby is still pretty high. I guess I just felt bummed. In fact, I got in the car and started crying. BUT, having said that, it's all good...absolutely no reason to be upset about it! So I'm not really sure why I was upset, I guess emotions are just super high right now!!! And besides, things could change at any moment.... I still have 2 weeks until the official due date. No reason to rush it. I think right at the end, expecting moms just get so anxious. But God has His timing. Actually, after finding out that I have made no progress, I decided to look at it positively!! These are the last few days that I get to spend with my Jesse alone, like, for the rest of our lives!!!!!!! There are some movies I'd like to see. I'd like to schedule a pedicure and one last prenatal massage if possible!! :) Sounds delightful! Plus, it would be nice to have a few days off of work to relax and just veg before Emerson gets here. My last day of work is the 10th. yipppeeeee!!! God knows absolutely what He is doing, and I trust that COMPLETELY!!!!
Some days I am just completely at my wits end with teaching pre-k. I think it is 2 things- First of all, pre-k is just not for me. I do love this age of children, but mostly in small doses! LOL... For example, I just adore my 5 year old niece and 3 year old nephew. I could spend all day with them. But when it comes to my profession, I am NOT an aunt, and I am not a mother, and I am NOT a daycare provider. I am a teacher. Second, I think it's the fact that I am due so soon, and baby Emerson is on my mind way more than school. So I'm just so ready to be done with school. Counting down!!!!! THREE weeks till my maternity leave starts and FOUR weeks till my due date!!! Almost hard to believe. I didn't know at what point I would actually be ready, but every day I am feeling more and more ready. I am still scared half to death! But so excited. Every time I think about all the emotions of actually having a child in my arms, it makes me almost cry just thinking about it, so I'm sure there will be lots of tears on delivery day! I've spent several hours organizing the baby room, putting clothes in drawers and on hangers and organizing all the wonderful gifts I have received from everyone. Emerson will have more than enough material blessings, that's for sure!!!
In other news, if you haven't heard (sarcasm), the Rangers are playing the Yankees!! Now I definitely have to cheer on the Rangers because I am a Texan. But Jesse, on the other hand, is a die hard Yankees fan!! So we have spent each evening watching the games. It's almost humorous to me how "in to" the games Jesse gets! I'm sure lots of guys are like that, well, some girls too! Even though I am hoping the Rangers win in the long run, I kinda hope the Yankees win tonight....BECAUSE if the series continues, Jesse will get to go to Arlington to watch them play on Friday!!!!! And he is so pumped!! So I hope he gets the opportunity to do that. I have been to both a Rangers game in Arlington and a Yankees game in New York. So crazy! Games like that are always fun. :)
It's almost Friday!!!! And thank goodness! I took off Friday because I just need a break! :) yaaayy!! :)