If I had to pick one word to describe this semester, I'm certain I couldn't. There just isn't a word in the English language that fully encompasses everything that's happened this semester. It's had it's terrestrial peaks and canyon lows. In a semester that seems like it started just yesterday but feels like it's drug on for a year, there have been many victories and many defeats. I honestly think that this has been the toughest semester I've ever been through - even tougher than the semester I got really sick and almost had to drop out of classes. I've seen a lot of heartache, pain, and suffering this semester and experienced it myself. I've seen injustice and downright meanness and rudeness. I've held many friends as they've cried and listened to (and given!) many ranting sessions. There were several days that I cried myself from the weight of it all (never happens - you know it's bad when...). I've had many tough, uncomfortable conversations. I've seen different sides of people that I never would have expected, which is disappointing and heartbreaking to say the least. I've gotten things I felt like I didn't deserve and been denied things I thought I did deserve. I've experienced serious doubts, betrayal, being ostrasized, and constant attacks at my faith. I literally didn't get a full night's sleep for two months. I had something every weekend for six weeks straight. It took every ounce of willpower I had to get out of bed in the morning and keep going some days. I had to deal with the worst class and the worst teacher I've ever had in my entire life and it was this class that caused the most stress and frustration (ENG 300, just in case you were wondering - don't take it with Dr. Judith Szerdahelyi). I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe all semester. Nothing ever felt like it was going right or as well as I wanted it to. As soon as I felt like things were on their way up, something else would happen to squash my hopes.

However, despite all the bad times and hurting, I've experienced some really great things that I'll never forget. I've cherished the friendship of dear old friends and enjoyed the development of new ones. I really feel like I've gotten to know people a lot better this semester, and while that can often be disappointing, it can be really encouraging and uplifting, as well. I really feel like I've gotten to know several of my professors that I admire better as people. They restore my faith in humanity, haha. ;) I've really had to rely on them for a lot this semester and spent a lot of time talking to them about certain situations. Not only that, I had a class outside of rehearsal with the two band directors, so I feel like I've really gotten to know them better. I love just hanging out and talking with them. They are so sweet, wise, hilarious, and interesting! I've also gotten to know Dr. Cipolla (my saxophone professor) a lot better this semester as well. He's been a tremendous help to me. I seriously don't think I would've been able to make it through the semester as well as I did without his encouragement and advice. He's like my dad on campus. He keeps me sane and going when I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I seriously don't know what I'm going to do next semester while he's on sabbatical.

There have been a lot of great things that have happened this semester, too. I had my marching band uniform design picked to use as the new uniforms for this year. There's nothing like seeing all your band buddies walking around in the uniforms that you designed. :) I was also the Saxophone Section Leader this year, which was challenging at times. My section was good for the most part. It really helped me work on my leadership skills. I was also awarded the Outstanding Third Year Member Award for the third year in a row (they have an Outstanding Member Award for every year). In Symphonic Band, I made first chair, which is something I never thought I'd do. I seriously thought someone was joking when they said I placed first. It was a real struggle for me dealing with my performance anxiety among other things I won't get into. I also had three solos on our first concert, one where it was just me that started the piece. I was nervous beyond belief. It went fine, though. I also played first tenor again in jazz band, which gets a lot of solos...even after incredible professional guest saxophone players... I was also nominated and accepted for Intercollegiate Band! It's by recommendation only and it's the top college musicians in the state! I'm so excited! We meet to rehearse in February at the Kentucky Music Educators Association (KMEA) Conference in Louisville. All the band directors from around the state will be there! And I get to go to the conferences for free!! Super excited.

I also really tried to push myself this semester, musically and academically. I took 20 hours (probably a mistake) and wanted to make all A's (we'll see - looks good so far!). I also performed my first ever solo on a Student Recital with the encouragement of Dr. Cipolla (for the recording to get taped over...not happy about that, but it is what it is). I played those solos in Symphonic Band and really pushed myself to put myself out there when I played and to get into the music. It was/is unbelievably hard for me to do. It's scary to put yourself out there for everyone to hear (especially with performance anxiety!). However, when you let go and just play the music and everything goes well, it's such a great feeling! I'm addicted. :) I also tried out for Drum Major for the Big Red Marching Band for next year. There are three parts to the audition: Conduct three pieces in front of the whole band (Star-Spangled Banner, College Heights - Alma Mater, and the Fight Song), Vocal Commands/Marching Technique, and an Interview. We also had to have a Letter of Recommendation. This was really big for me because I'm somewhat scared of leadership roles (self-conscious) and I've only been in marching band for three years so I still don't always feel like I know what I'm doing. I was encouraged to do so by several friends and I've always wanted to do it, so I went for it. We won't know the results until the middle of January (they say), so we'll see.

Like I tried to push myself musically and academically, I also pushed myself personally. This semester, I tried to be more open with people about things. SO much happened this semester and it really got to me for a long time until I realized that I could talk to people about it and they wouldn't think any less of me. I put myself out there and talked to Dr. Cipolla and Dr. Schallert (Director of Bands) about a situation I was concerned about within the department and they thanked me for my honesty, concern, and communication. They listened to me, too! It's nice to know that people you look up to respect you, too. I also talked to Dr. Cipolla about advising struggles I was having and the delimma I was having about whether to graduate on time or not. I told him about my frustrations, fears, and struggles, which was really hard for me to do. I also discussed a seperate situation with Dr. Schallert and he was very understanding and sweet about the whole thing. I admitted my performance anxiety and struggles with self-consciousness to Dr. Bright (Associate Director of Bands - Marching Band Director), as well. All of this was really hard for me because I bottle things up and hide things really well (been told that more than once this semester), but I really made an effort to open up. Never regretted it. I've also become more comfortable with being myself this semester, whether that be serious or silly, and it's great. It's so liberating! It's nice to know that people can love me for me. :)

While this semester has been incredibly challenging and hard to bear at times, I really think I'm better because I went through it all. I feel like I've lived a lifetime this semester and I've gained so many insights that have made me a better and stronger person than I was before. I've learned the meaning of friendship, heartache, prayer, perseverance, doubt, believing, trust, patience, compassion, service, dedication, passion, and teaching. I've had my heart torn and broken, and I've had my heart touched and filled to the brim with love. I really feel like I've been put to the test this semester and my true character is being revealed. While I haven't always liked what I've seen in myself, I can definitely say that I've grown a lot this semester. That's the most important thing to me. I'll work on the things I don't like and keep going. While it's extremely challenging to be a Music Education major and I feel like no one quite understands, I wouldn't trade it for the world. There isn't anything else I'd rather do. I truly love what I do, and I've learned that this semester, too. I'd rather have a bad day in music than a good day anywhere else. I thank God everyday for the opportunity to do something that I love and for blessing me with people who make me a better person. I'll take the laughter with the tears because He knows best. He's gotten me this far and I can't wait to see what He has in store for me in the future!

Yeah, we still don't have a name yet. I'm bored, though, and I thought I'd share. :)

And this too...I hope it works. If it doesn't, oh well. It's me attempting to sing "Nearer, Still Nearer." And I give you permission to laugh at me attempting to sing bass. :P

Enjoy!

Every person that has lived, is living, or ever will live is a very unique individual. There is no other person exactly like them...ever. We absolutely cannot treat every person we meet in the exact same way that we treat other people. To do so is to deny the uniqueness that is found in each individual. I understand what people mean (at least I think...) when they say that we should treat everyone the same - that we should show the same kindness and respect that we would show the people we are especially fond of to strangers, and our kindness/respect shouldn't be a respecter of persons or based on our prejudgements, but just on the simple fact that they are a human being, too. However, treating everyone the exact same just cannot be done and be just or fair. Everyone is an individual and they have different needs than other people. Some people may need a lot of praise and encouragement, others don't and find it annoying. Some like having someone with them all the time and imitating them, some find it overwhelming and smothering. Some show affection by physical contact, some don't show affection that way and don't appreciate unnecessary physical contact at all and it makes them uncomfortable. I know I'm one of those people who doesn't really appreciate people in their bubble, although I have gotten a bit better about it. But when people keep touching me and constantly get in my space, it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I know it really distracts me during worship services. Some people, though, that wouldn't bother. You could sit in their lap and they'd be fine with that. Do I mind a hug every now and then? Not at all, but I don't run up to people and hug them every time I see them either because, even if I did like hugs, I understand not everyone is like me and not everyone will like hugs. I think we all need to be careful about how we treat people because, to me, if you're constantly doing something to someone that they don't like, it's a sign of disrespect and sometimes selfishness. I know I'm constantly looking for signs of how someone takes whatever it is that I do or say to them. If I knew you didn't like playing basketball, I wouldn't invite you to go play basketball. I know that's a very simple thing, but the same principle applies. You simply cannot treat everyone the same because not everyone is the same. On the other side of the coin, some people do need that extra encouragement and attention, and we should be willing to offer that, or a hug or whatever it is that they need. If I know you like high-fives, I'll give you a high-five (again, silly example). Now, is there a line? Absolutely. Just because someone wants attention, doesn't mean they need the attention or hug or whatever it is, and that is the difference (want vs. need). However, we must take the person we are dealing with in account when we decide how to treat them, of course still showing them the kindness and respect they deserve, which includes refraining from things that they do not appreciate and find annoying and maybe doing the things they do appreciate.

/rant

I broke up with John tonight. I think it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do. I really, really hurt him, and it's tearing me to pieces. I'm pretty sure he thought I was "the one." I wish things could've worked, but as of right now, especially after this stuff, it'd never be the same. He really did love me, though. And I love him. And knowing that makes this all so much harder. I think we're going to try to stay friends, so long as it doesn't hurt either of us. I pray everyday that he gets in a right relationship with God and that He can heal his broken heart...because I can't anymore.

People always talk about how people who are arrogant and conceited are so selfish because they think everything's about them. Arrogance and selfishness are two of my biggest pet peeves so it sticks out like a sore thumb to me (or heel...). It wasn't until the past several years that I came to realize how being extremely self-conscious and constantly putting yourself down is the exact same thing. Both extremes assume that people care about what they do and think about them all the time. Both extremes direct their attention inward. In the words of Dr. Phil McGraw, "You wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of you, if you knew how seldom they did." It's so true. I try to keep this in mind when I start feeling self-conscious. I've struggled with the latter for a while when I was younger, and I still struggle with it sometimes. At my worst, I didn't think anyone liked me for who I was. I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's attention, and I tried to hide who I really was because I thought no one would like it anyway. Mostly, I would put myself down all the time in my head, and I finally realized that I was doing it because I was so afraid of being arrogant; it got under my skin so much and I would do whatever it took to keep myself away from that. When I was feeling pretty down and lonely, I would put myself down sometimes so other people would compliment me (subconsciously, of course. I don't know anyone who says to themselves, "I'm going to say I'm a horrible person so this person will say I'm not, and that will make me feel better about myself."). Their compliments made me feel good for a bit, but they didn't really mean anything because I was pulling them out of people.

Finally, I realized how selfish I was inadvertently being in trying to get people to look at me and give me attention and praise, and I was completely humiliated and ashamed. I was trying so hard not to be arrogant that I ended up having the same problem with a different mask. I should be worried about other people, not my impression. That's just silly when you think about it. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I began to realize that no one wants to be around someone who's always trying to bring the focus back to themselves. I wanted people to compliment me if they really and truly wanted to, not because they felt obligated. I was just tired of how I felt about myself and realized that I had to love myself and look at myself the same way that I look at other people if I was ever going to become a better person. I can't be perfect. I'm going to make mistakes. Does that mean I can't try to be perfect? No. I can do my best to get there and forgive myself when I fall short and that's all anyone can ever ask of me. I thought other people were so beautiful, truly beautiful - men and women alike, just because they were themselves, and I had to realize that I can be beautiful by being my best self as well. I was so focused on not being the other extreme when really I was doing the same thing. That's not an easy realization to come to and it really got to me.

In high school, I used to get so embarrassed about certain things and be ashamed or disappointed or not talk about certain things, but once I got to college I realized that we all do the same stupid stuff. We all mess up. We all make mistakes. We all have our bad days and blunders. We all worry about what other people think of us and doubt ourselves. We're all human. When I realized this and how universal this feeling I had was, I realized I wasn't alone and that was something that I desperately needed to know. I'm so glad that phase of my life didn't last for long. I did not enjoy it, and I'm so blessed to have had such wonderful people in my life to help me realize these things.

The older I get, the less and less I care about what other people think of me because I realize more and more that we're all more alike than we think we are. I also realize how most people are worried about the impression they're making, not yours. If you're focusing on the other person, you don't have time to worry about what impression you're making. Besides, when you do that, the impression will take care of itself. Focusing on other people is the best defense against arrogance and extreme self-consciousness and the best ingredient for a great impression.