the kids are in florida. boarding up rental house with their dad and step-mom. and heading home.

the day after they arrived for vacation.

Long ago I left myself
And now I try to return as a stranger to a strange land
And to burn.
But the hollow inside me
Might be there to guide me home again, back to something sweet and opening a passage way
To guide me home.


Saturn Returns, Adam Guettel

Bought study book for GMAT. Thought I should explore whether I have aptitude for B school.

Would rather be an artist, an actor, a singing actor, work full time for such an organization; but alas at my age I must do what is adult and reasonable and responsible not fairy tale fantasy. I have a mortgage. I must be reasonable...there is no prince charming.

I married badly and his is part of the fall out of such a decision.

I can learn this.

In truth it somedays feels like learning to write left handed.

I was happy for one night to be the focus of attention of one man, too nice handsome young and well suited to be true.

Happiness disapates as quickly as cotton candy on your tongue...

Tis better to have loved and lost or just had lively non Starbucks or children related conversation over dinner than to never have loved.....NO!

This is Cinderella after the ball, in her rags, but with no letover magical glass shoe to give her hope.

This is just more crumbs from Your table. No foretaste. No feast.

Forgive me for being ungrateful. It was exactly what I asked for... An escort, not a husband or a boyfriend. What I want really is a friend, a male friend. I want that other too I am just trying to be reasonable, to increase the odds of getting something that will speak to this need inside...

You know my need. You know my pain and loneliness. I am open and praying and loving and waiting and trusting.

Frankly dear Lord I mean no disrespect but am hurting and tired and becoming cynical

I cannot begin to imagine how Moses felt living to see but not inhabit the promised land. It had to start out aching kinda like this though...


Edited to add...

he did not ask for my phone number.

To actually get in touch to have plans he would have to ask my son or one of the other Starbuckians for my number.

No guy has ever made that kind of an effort for me.

Even the man I married would not have thrown me a life jacket if I, the mother of his kids, fell over board.

Lindsay and Stephen were married last night. I went alone. The gift of which I write was the unexpected and unsolicited company all evening of a lovely gentleman. Well dressed, articulate, thoughtful, considerate. My wine glass was not left empty...doors were held, chairs pulled back. I never wondered for a moment if he yearned to be anywhere else but by my side. I seemed we have a lot in common from taste in music art and theater to travel, philosophy and so on. He remembered from previous conversation years ago that we share a birthday.

He spoke of celebrating our birthdays together over dinner, of sharing our favorite music on MP3, of wanting to read the books I love.

He said he wanted to see me again.