Okay, I had to make a part two because this thing has gotten way too big and way too old. In fact, my blog has gone stale in my absence.
I cannot guarantee that anything hereafter will make any sense.
Let's end this thing! Without further ado and in no particular order:
Surf Ninjas c. ‘93
This has Ernie Reyes Jr. in it. (Yes, you probably don’t remember him because of the neverending blog. It’s okay to re-read.)
This movie is endless cheese. Leslie Nielsen is the villain and you can just smell his career grilling in between two slices of bread. He’s funny, but it’s also a tad painful if you’ve seen him when he was younger in some solid Disney fare like the Swamp Fox miniseries.
Rob Schneider is also in this movie. It’s only his fourth, but he just chews up the scenes he’s in as the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. In fact, I would suggest trying to find his clips from the film on YouTube and skip the rest. He’s very young in this movie and had only been on SNL for a few seasons at this point.
This movie also features the short-lived handheld Sega Game Gear system (A name my mother picked up and applied to all our game systems thereafter for years.) as a blatant product tie-in and as a method of telling the future in the movie.
You laugh, you cry, ninjas get beat up by an Asian kid and you wish you too were the heir of the island country of Patusan. If you wish to know the plot to this movie look at the name again. Now envision really bad stunt men, really bad acting, a few ninjas, one scene of surfing and a total box office gross of somewhere around 4 million dollars. Really, look it up.
Anyway, this one is great at the right age. Over the recommended age you could die while viewing this one. Trust me. Please?
Flight of the Navigator c. ‘86
This movie is about a kid who finds a spaceship, ‘nuff said. It’s a fun and cool alien abduction a la Disney.
This movie supposedly has the first scene with a computer-generated graphic. This is the first time they used a CGI spaceship instead of a model in a movie.
I’m not going to say much more here. I don’t remember this one too well, but I do remember loving every minute of it.
The Labyrinth c. ‘86
This is freaky awesome Jim Henson movie magic right here. Of all these films, this one stands the test of time and can stilled be viewed as an adult without wondering what was wrong with you way back when. In fact, I do believe folks might even call this one a cult classic.
This one begins with a baby abduction caused by a selfish sister who wishes she didn’t have to baby-sit her little brother. The abductor is The Goblin King as played by the one and only David Bowie. The thing to remember here is that this is Bowie pre-plastic surgery, which means he actually looks more human now. (The goblin king does some really cool juggling in the movie, which was actually done by a pro who put his arms around David Bowie in the scenes where he is seen juggling.)
Anyway, as the name suggests the sister has to travel through the labyrinth to save her little brother from the goblin king and bring him back home. I can do the film no justice by wasting time describing it any further.
Let’s close with one final thought. The Bog of Eternal Stench—no not the bathroom your Dad uses.
This is officially the Photo Bum's first "at work" post. What, you say? Should you not be working?
Well, yes and no. But am I not at least allowed one fifteen minute break? That's right, now back down Rin Tin Tin. (That's obscure reference one, buckle up while you can.)
So a little background on this post: I'm going to run willy nilly through a field of poppies...oh wait, that's not right.
Let's try this again. In the next 13 minutes, since I've already wasted 2, I'm going to run willy nilly through the five films that blew my mind in the age range listed above. The catch here is that I didn't want to hit the obvious films like the Indiana Jones series or Star Wars, et al. Know what I mean? Perhaps not, maybe you never took Latin.
Anyway, let's rattle off a few, while including inane commentary that will make you want to pull out some hair.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles c. '90 (Not to be confused with the latest CGI update of these characters titled TMNT.)
Oh man, this one brings back the memories. This one is based on a killer comic by Kevin Eastman & Peter Laird. In fact, old Petey has based a whole career on TMNT movies, cartoons and merchandise. I read the graphic novel collection of the original mini-series during breaks in class during the 4th grade. (I know, I'm dating myself as foolishly young to about 10% of you and incredibly old to the rest.) Then the movie came out...and I wet myself. Seriously, it was sad.
You have to remember this is pre-Lucasian completely digital characters and post-Jim Henson creature shop (Ahh, Jim I miss you). It was insanely cool to see life-size turtles and their giant-rat master running around on screen. I'll forever be a fan of practical and in-camera effects because of this movie (and others). When you place a rubber and animatronic wonder like these turtles next to Jar-Jar Binks there's just no comparison.
This movie features one Ernie Reyes, Jr. in the Donatello suit during all stunt work, but not the standard mime acting while some other duded ran the face and dubbed vocals. (By the by, the faces on the turtles were run by remote control off screen by puppeteers.)
You'll see why I'm mentioning Ernie in just a minute. The wacky part is he's done a lot of cheesy work and second-string support like this in many movies because he can do martial arts (and very little else). If fact, he's the crazy short Asian dude in The Rundown whipping up on The Rock and Seann William Scott. He makes you laugh and hurt at the same time.
And now you're going to say what's the deal dude. Where ya goin'. Well, the fact of the matter is that I've spent my 13 minutes on one film, so I'll have to continue this massive ode to some of my favorite films a bit later.
The Goonies c. ‘85
[Let me start this one with a warning. I saw this film on broadcast television (and then again and again and again thanks to VHS) and I’m fairly sure several choice words from a few characters were replaced with something less offensive.]
This is Sean Astin’s first film and he’s in the lead role. Let’s just say he does a bang-up job. (Awww, look at how widdle he id. And he’s just so cute!)
Sean’s one of those guys who’s usually in a supporting role and over the years you’ve never remembered him. Of course, that’s all changed since LotR, but if you’ve ever seen Rudy you probably already knew him before that trilogy came barreling down the pike.
This movie also features the old lady from Throw Mama From The Train as Mama Fratelli (If you’re a fan of Hitchcock, Billy Crystal or Danny DeVito and you haven’t seen “Throw Mama…”, then shame on you! If you are not one of those low-down, stanky dogs than go rent this one! Go! Now!), Joe Pantoliano as one of the Fratelli sons, Corey Feldman as Mouth (this kid was box-office gold in the ‘80s) and the Asian kid from Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom as Data (He has a bunch of cool gadgets).
Anywho, let me throw out a few words to describe this fine film:
(Prepare to vomit extensively based on the massive use of parentheticals and exclamation points! (See what I mean!))
Humor (See Chunk dance the Truffle Shuffle! (Bonus: Hear Chunk’s entire life story from day one!)), education (Learn how to coerce a Latina housekeeper into working for no pay!), pirates (Deceased pirates to be exact. (Bonus: Some pirates have only one eye and were fortuitously named One-Eyed Willy by their sweet, law-abiding mothers!)), pirate treasure (C’mon you knew that one was on it’s way!), booby traps (What, you think pirates just leave treasure lyin’ around?), pirate ships (Okay! You get it! I know!), action (Well, it seemed like a good thing to point out!) and Sloth (A huge, deformed and possibly slightly retarded dude who’s rumored to be the third Fratelli son dropped on his head by his Mama during infancy! (Yeah, you never saw it comin’, did ya? (Oh you did, did you? (You wanna take this outside?))))!
I’m willing to wager that if any of you read the previous paragraph in its entirety you will never, ever see this film. But really, don’t let me put you off. The movie’s good, real good.
For now I will bid you adieu. And yes, I know I’m not done. I plan to keep adding to this post until my opus is complete. I expect you all to chew off at least one fingernail (and maybe even one toenail) in sweaty and rabid anticipation of my next addition.
On this day the 13th of October the Photo Bum is feeling philosophical. (Perhaps you read the title. I don't know, maybe you lack interest in titles. Perhaps you even lack interest in instruction manuals. Perhaps you happen to suffer from the uncouth habit of lacking interest in interest. Perhaps...you are tired of this record breaking parenthetical aside. I don't know. You tell me.)
The Photo Bum will soon be photoless. This begs the question: Can a Photo Bum remain anything other than a bum if he no longer works as a photographer?
Despite this existential quandry, the Photo Bum knows he is making the right decision in changing careers. Wedding photograpy is a tricky biz, especially when one is dealing with worldly people. Receptions amount to nothing more than drunken revelries that a Christian should not be a part of. And sure the photographer does not participate, but he is condoning the behavior around himself by not condemning it. He is also forced, by virtue that it is his job, to witness this behavior and document it (since no one will remember it anyway).
It's been one of the hardest choices the Photo Bum has ever had to make because this bum has never used his degree after graduating college. Photography gives this bum a lot of satisfaction, but the Photo Bum knows he can't strike out on his own at this point. It would be nice to get a business going on my own terms, but there are too many risks right now.
So anyway, the Photo Bum is currently seeking a new job, nay, a new career. And the Photo Bum knows not what to do. He's just floating in nowheresville wondering where to go next.
To top all this wonderment off, the Photo Bum has already invested several thousand dollars in camera equipment that he does not want to give up. The only problem is that the Photo Bum's boss has also invested several thousand dollars. Maybe photography will no longer be this bum's career, but it will continue to be his hobby. So in order to continue this hobby, that may resume as a career some day, the Photo Bum needs to somehow come up with several thousand dollars to pay his boss.
Photo_Bum is married. Like an ox he hath been yoked willingly unto his LisaDoll. (I know...it's an ultra-beautiful metaphor. You may say "Aaaaaaaaaaw" now.)
This post will confuse. It may even hurt you. Prepare yourselves for an alpabetized oddessey into the mind of a fool.
Have fun in Myrtle Beach!
I'm home again!
Just put it down!
Raisins smell funny!
Tell your school-age children!
Upside down run-around!
And so you have it, married life is busy, fun, exciting, powerful, beautiful, wondrous, magical, rubbery and really awesomerifictubularmoneydawgyo! I loooooove my LisaDoll!
So, here goes. Six weird things about me:
1.--I sleep on a bed of nails at least thrice a week to straighten my spine and clear my back pores. Really cuts down on the boils.
2.--I eat a creamy, yet mildly spicy mixture of mustard seed and peppercorns every morning for breakfast. They say oatmeal cleans your system, but it's got nothing on the old fire-breath, cast-iron gut cleaning system I've developed.
3.--I've been wearing the same ball cap since birth. It has been handed down through 35 generations. It smells like a dead skunk, dipped in tar and rubbed down with a salty fish mixture from an Alaskan Inuit village community dinner. Daniel Boone met one of my ancestors in upper Kentucky and described the smell in just that way before running into the jaws of the nearest grizzly bear.
4.--According, to Lisa's cousin Austin, I have Hobbit Feet (TM Universal Pictures). Yes they have a little fur, but really, so do rabbit's feet. Now maybe the toenails leave a little to desire with the black and yellow color, but really, so do dragon's feet.
5.--I once knew a guy who ate applesauce on everything. We're talking pizza, hamburgers, turkey, his own boogers...even apples for crying out loud. What's up with that? But knowing the benefits of baby aspirin, I resolve to begin eating chrushed baby aspirin on everything, including my morning mix, beginning tomorrow. That's weird. Future weird, but it's weird so sue me.
6.--I blog. I mean come on. I blog. Are you reading this? Do you feel the weird? Can you taste it? I can. It's like candied yams mixed with gym soxs. In both smell and consistency.