It's Wednesday during the second week of the month. Sometime this evening, Eb will come carrying a car seat in one hand, a diaper bag slung over his shoulder. He'll drop everything inside his apartment, pick up his phone, and text me two words: We're home. I won't need any more information or explanation. I'll get in my car and drive to see both of them. When I arrive, Landon may still be sleeping. More than likely, Eb will be playing with him on the couch. I'll sit across the room and watch them interact. Landon will drool all over his dad's shirt, and Eb will ignore the fact that his shirt is the new chew-toy. He'll be too busy turning Landon into an airplane or a superhero, lifting him in the air with motor noises and the Superman theme song. Landon's drool will drip from his lip to the carpet as he zooms around the room. Eb will direct his flight toward me on the couch. As he gets closer, he'll giggle and kick. He'll "fall" into my arms, where I'll squeeze him and plant kisses all over his face.

^ This is our routine. I've fallen in love with it.

Yesterday, Eb and I were talking about the passing of Landon's brother Leland. I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but it's still an open wound for Eb; and, if I'm being honest, it is for me, too. As much as I'm happy for Leland to be resting safely in God's arms, it's hard to think beyond physical desires. It would have been nice for Landon to have a brother, a buddy, to help him through this situation. Perhaps the two of them together would have felt some kind of camaraderie in their travels back and forth to be with "Mom" or to be with "Dad." Now Landon will have to face a lot of the questions of his parents' situation alone. My involvement will likely only raise more questions. I dread the day when Landon may not look at me like he does now, full of giggles and smiles. I never want to see a look of confusion or misunderstanding. The inevitability of it is that I just might see those looks one day, too.

My personal wishes are a little more superficial than that, even. I wish simple things. I wish I would have had the chance to meet Leland (though, why I wish that, I don't know. I'm sure that would have made his passing even harder). I wish I would have had the chance to touch him in his incubator.

I have some deeper wishes. I don't tell Eb this, but sometimes I wish Leland hadn't been born. Or, I wish both had passed away together. As much as I love Landon, I know what he might face in life. He doesn't deserve the turmoil. I almost feel like Leland escaped it, that God knew what was in store for his life and showed him mercy because of it. A more cynical version of myself knows there will always be tension between Eb and Landon's mother, and I know Landon will feel it and one day see it, and one day understand it. I'm praying he will never feel like he has to take sides unless it is to stand up for what's right, for what's moral. I'm also praying when that time comes, he will choose the right side.

I don't see myself as Landon's step-mother. He can choose that role for me himself one day, if he wants. I see myself as a friend, safekeeping all of his questions and fears and misunderstandings deep within my own mind and heart until they show up on his face or in his eyes. When they do, I'll be there to show him I knew all along he'd need someone to help him through it. Maybe we can compare fears and wishes. Maybe he'll ask questions about his brother. I'll tell him what I know. I'll tell him stories of airplanes and superheroes, of zooming around the living room in his dad's arms and coming to rest on my chest. I'll tell him how much he is loved.

As if my life weren't crazy and busy enough, I've added several more things to the mix. I'm now in grad school, in the MFA program at WVU. Enjoying that so far, but it's only week 2, and I really don't feel like I'm in the thick of things yet.

I'm also teaching two sections of English 101 at WVU as part of my assistantship. And this year, because I'm insane, I also accepted an adjunct instructor position at West Virginia Wesleyan College to teach two sections of Comp II. The commute is about an hour away, but they pay me a stipend plus travel costs, so the benefits are good. I'm also thinking ahead to my resume, hoping that coming out of an MFA program with teaching at two institutions already under my belt will help me secure a teaching position more easily. That position is more on the down-low, though. I don't want anyone at WVU to think I'm overloading myself and therefore shirking my writing responsibilities. Generally, I'm used to handling an insanely busy schedule (as evidenced in my undergrad semesters when I was in marching band, took 18-19 credit hours, and worked part-time/full-time at the hospital all at once). I tend to be even more structured with my time when I'm forced into that structure. So, I keep adding responsibilities until there really isn't room for more. It's becoming a problem, however, because I always seem to find the time for just ONE more thing.....

Hmm. I think I need to work on this!

But. In the meantime, I'm one busy gal. I teach five days a week, and around that I work in my own classes, bible studies both on Tuesdays and Wednesday evenings, social MFA gatherings such as public readings and Council of Writer meetings. I'm helping with childcare when Eb has Landon, which I love and refuse to give up no matter how busy I get. Landon and I are real buds now. He's such a joy. And even though Eb arranged his schedule so that he only needs Landon to be watched for a couple of hours on the Fridays that he has him (due to his own class schedule), I cherish those couple hours. Landon usually just cuddles with me the entire time, doesn't cry or make a peep other than when he happily starts to coo and sing.

Life is good. Life is crazy. Life often gives me a headache. But I'm thankful for all the wonderful opportunities I've been given. And just from re-reading this post, I've been given so much. Richly blessed doesn't cover it. God is good.

Take care, loved ones!

First, thank you for the support. I really appreciate the few of you who have consistently been involved with supporting my relationship. It does mean more to me than you know.

Yesterday was the most encouraging day with Eb I've had in a while. The reason? I got to hold his son. Due to the controlling nature of Landon's mother, all of Eb's visitation has been in her apartment without him being permitted to leave. But, lately, she's been letting him have visitation outside his regularly scheduled times, without those specifications (well, sort of). We still had to be somewhat secret about the meeting, due to the fact that she literally has "eyes" all over the place (it's very stalker-like/harassment-like in nature), but Eb successfully brought Landon over to my house. It was the second time I had seen him in person, but the first time I held him. I soaked it up like a sponge. What a cuddly, adorable, precious little boy. I've changed my picture to the right so that you all could see what all the fight is about. :-)

Eb and I have lately been more consistent with praying with each other, and today Eb prayed the most touching prayer. Days like yesterday and moments like today are what make me realize that God has His hand in this. I know He will do what is best for Landon when the court date rolls around near the end of the month. I have faith that everything Eb is fighting for and the effort he is putting forth to be a Godly father will pay off.

And for the record, holding a little baby who has been through more in 4 months than I have in 22 years (he was in the NICU fighting to breathe for 3 months), teaches me how reliant on God we truly are. What a beautiful lesson I'm learning in this. Thank you, God.

I would hope that whoever has concerns about my relationship to Eb would voice them to me directly. However, that is not always the case. I know people talk, however sinful, behind others' backs. And before I go stepping on others' toes, I realize I have been guilty of this sin before and must repent myself. Knowing how it feels firsthand when "word gets back around" is very hurtful. But, for those who haven't necessarily been guilty of gossip but have thought silently to yourself that you may be concerned, allow me to clear the air.

I do not, in any way, feel "obligated" to date Eb based on his circumstances. His conversion was sincere, and he is growing as a Christian with a better attitude than I've seen some Christians of 20+ years have, amidst all his trials. I do not feel pressured or stressed to be with a man who has a child as some self-sacrificing act. I'm hurt that there are some who looked at it that way. :-( Eb is a wonderful man who treats me well. He's a good communicator and listener, and has been careful to keep me close to his problems without feeling too much stress because of them.

Can it really not be that simple? Some women would never date him because of his child. If I see that as an opportunity to be an influence to a precious little soul, why is that bad? Simply because you would not do it? Do not jump to say that I am forcing some self-sacrificing act to do any of this. Eb is a blessing to me. I recognize that and am very thankful. I am with Eb because that's exactly where I want to be. I've prayed to God about it and feel that doors have opened to keep us together and I've been able to see Eb's heart open time and time again.

Again, he is a BLESSING to me.

So, before any of you voice your concerns, I hope you consider what really "concerns" you about the situation. This life is temporary. No one said I needed to find someone scott-free and sinless to date and/or marry. Guess what? They don't exist. We have all sinned and carry some type of "baggage" with us because of it. Eb may have a child, but that is the most innocent baggage anyone could carry into a relationship. Why would I run from that? Trust me, I know it will not be easy. But I do believe it will all be worth it. So far, it already is.

Hannah

That's how you have to live life as a single father--day by day. Why? Because the court makes sure to keep you down. Eb is fighting hard to spend time with his son. We will see the outcome of things by the end of July (hopefully. If the judge cannot make a decision, he will likely allow the mother to move away and postpone his final ruling. Not good.).

If I told you half of the burdens Eb is bearing financially and otherwise, you would be speechless. I had a post previously typed up where I went into great detail, but realizing it was far too personal and private, deleted it and am opting for this explanation. Eb has never asked a single person for help with this situation because he feels it is his burden to bear alone, given that he feels his financial and legal struggles with his little boy are consequences of his sins. While that may be true, I'd invite any Christian to find me a verse that tells us to watch a brother flounder and struggle with the attitude of, "well, he did it to himself, so..." If mercy is to be found anywhere, it is in Christ and His church.

I will be throwing a baby-shower/welcome home party for Landon and Eb whenever the visitation agreement is set in stone. However, if any of you who are out-of-state would like to donate to the cause (baby supplies, clothes, etc), it would be so very greatly appreciated. My hope is that we can give Eb a "boost" to get him through this rough time. As things stand, he works 7 days a week to pay his bills, thanks to the very biased courts, but it is still not enough. I'd like the burden of stocking up on supplies and clothes for his son to be virtually taken away if possible, to take one small burden off his shoulders.

If you are able and willing to help, or you know of someone with hand-me-downs from their little boy, and you'd like to send something, please private message me or email me (preferred) at palindrome90@gmail.com, and I will give you Eb's mailing address. I am also willing to compensate for shipping--I know that can get costly.

Just an FYI, he doesn't know about this post. If you are unable to help but would like to mail him a verse or word of encouragement, that too is appreciated. :-) My goal is to surprise him by showing him how many brothers and sisters around the country care about him as a brother and want to keep him positive during this very real and very difficult fight. Spread the word, and let's help Eb!! :-)

Thank you, loved ones.
Hannah