This has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I think from here I should be able to level out alot more. But basically there are things that I've wanted and waited for what seems my whole life and I feel like I've gotten so close to some of those goals and some of those dreams, but now that I'm SO close to it I have to let go. Its hard to talk about without going into a ton of detail, but basically tonight I was able to refocus which is good but like I said its also scary because of the things that I'm letting go, but that I still want for my life. I know maybe before it seems like I was trusting God and I was, but maybe hadn't completely let go yet. Well I still know what I WANT but God really knows what I NEED and it really is in His hands. If what I WANT and what I NEED are the same things then it will come to me. It will happen. But I have no control over it and its not really up to me at this point/stage so I need to not stress about it and basically let it go. If it is right then after letting go, it will eventually come back to me. It's strange how you can be joyful but not necessarily happy or that you can be content but not necessarily have everything you want.

Here's to letting go and letting God.

So... Don't get me wrong I am SO excited to be heading back to my second home... However I'm not gonna lie- for some reason Im really scared too. There are some things Im afraid of that I don't think I'll post on here but the things I can tell you about is the fact that I just know theres going to be a lot of change and responsibility. Both are good, but I just really REALLY want to do a good job. I'll be an RA of Hinely and im so nervous about that because its a lot of responsibility and I really want to be a big part of my dorm and not just a supervisor. I really want these girls to know I love them and I really want to make a connection with them and establish a relationship so that if there are any problems, they know me well enough to know I want to help them and it's not just cuz I'm being a meany or something. I wish I could say every girl will want to abide by the rules but the fact is that every girl won't. Some girls will come in not caring and it may be because they just haven't reached that growth or maturity in their lives yet and I really want to help them understand and I want to grow closer to them if they'll let me.

Then there's being head of YWTO. Basically we're starting completely from scratch, building from the bottom up. That is SO intense and there is SO much planning that goes into it to make it the best it can be. And that's what I want for YWTO, I want it to be an organization that girls will always remember and that will help mold their lives and help them on their journey into becoming a woman for God and their families. I am working with a great team of girls to do this but it is still going to be tough and I just want to make it the best it can be. We've got a foundation for our plans but pretty soon it will be non stop coordinating, planning, and working to turn it into this vision of what we hope for it.

Also, I want to be a bigger part of seminole. I realize I got alot of wonderful opportunities there to serve last year but I want MORE. I CRAVE more service and I have some ideas of things I want to do and ways I can be involved when I get back. I hope more opportunities will come to me and I will be praying for it.

So there's a few things that have been on my mind that I just really want to do my best in and make my last year the best year, devoted to serving others and being really involved.

Lastly, a lot of my friends have left and won't be coming back this fall and that just really makes me sad. I loved last year and loved those friendships and I just know I'm going to miss them SO much. And the friendships that will be there in the fall.. Well I just hope they'll still be there. I want things to go back to the way they were maybe just with some more friendships added in but I know the summers can sometimes change things and I just really hope I'll be able to come back and reestablish those friendships that I value so much.

Well anyway, I don't know if I'm getting the butterflies because I'm nervous or just eager to get back but whatever the case I know I will do my best this year and I know some amazing things are coming around the corner and I can't wait to see what plans God has for me. He is SO good and I can't thank Him enough for giving me work for my hands to do and for blessing my life the way He has. This is going to be a wondful year regardless of what happens simply because He is so wondful and I trust Him.

11 years ago, last week I was born again...
4 years ago this month, I renewed my love for Him...
2 years ago today, I started my process to head to FC...

To give you the long story short, I'd lived most of my life not truly devoted to God. I had pinned my ear to the darkest door and truly struggled to find my freedom away from it. Finally about 4 years ago, God freed me and I began truly living for Him for the first time. Although I had pledged my allegiance to Him and was born again when I was 12, my heart was never fully with Him. 4 years ago I started over. 4 years ago I was free. 4 years ago I began again. For the next year I was living in College Station and I developed my life with Him but was having a hard time understanding His forgiveness and grace. Then finally after moving back home from College Station, I began to truly understand His love as I buried myself in His word and in prayer. For the first time I'd felt forgiven and I was able to begin my journey into the woman I was really supposed to be. Over that next year my fire for God grew with an immense heat and I'd loved Him in a way I'd never loved Him before.
Finally, it was time for me to leave home and find a place where I could really start the next part of my life. That's when I decided to go to Florida College. I had prayed for months about where I should go and that summer at TX camp it seemed so clear. There was no doubt in my mind that God had answered my prayers. Florida College would be the beginning of my new life as this woman I was striving to become. FC was everything that I could have imagined it to be. I was strengthened and encouraged and found SO many opportunities to serve God in a way I had never served Him before. I had friends who opened doors for me to that new service and who encouraged me and showed me that I could do so much more for Him. I discovered that because of my past, I could help others. I discovered that although I could not change my past, I could change someone else’s future just by sharing my story and teaching the truth to those who might fall to the Dark one’s trap. FC sent me as a camp friend where I have now gotten to spend two summers talking to young girls and sharing my story with them.. hopefully helping them to avoid the mistakes that I have made and encouraging them to come to a place that would change their life the way it did mine. FC was the beginning.

And now here I stand having faced so many challenges and conquering so much darkness that was once inside of me. For the first time in my life I feel like I have become who I was meant to be and from here I can continue to serve God in new ways and to grow more and more in love with Him each day. FC was the beginning of this new life, but now I can feel I am about to begin again. I don’t know how to explain it, but I have found a contentment that I have never known before. I have found a joy in the Lord that has filled me up completely. I may still have many hurtles and challenges to face, but I have found a faith and trust in Him on a level I have never known before. AND IT IS BECAUSE OF THIS that I believe that He has something more for me around the corner. It is because of this that I feel like I am ready to serve Him in new and bigger ways. It is because of this that I DESIRE more work and I have prepared myself for this work. I thought I was ready before but now I can see that this is truly the first time I am ready. And so, as my final year at Florida College comes to a close, I am eager and ready for the new work and new challenges He has waiting for me. Over this summer I have learned some lessons that I knew I needed to learn and a few I hadn’t realized I needed to learn, but I have hopefully strengthened my life and have overcome those obstacles:

I learned patience. That it is all in God’s hand and in His time. Man’s thought's are but a mere breath to Him. Who are we to say we are in control? And patience with my brothers and sisters: we are ALL human and we ALL fall short and no one deserves God’s love, but He gives it to ALL of us anyway. Who are we to say we are better than anyone else? Should we not exhibit patience and LOVE towards fellow man in the same way that He does? Can you read man’s inner thoughts? Can you know someone’s heart? Can you count the hairs on your brothers head?

I learned self-control. In this task I have failed MANY times. It is one of my BIGGEST demons. And over the summer I tried to gain more self-control but I failed at first... I failed bitterly. But, ironically enough a friend of mine who was trying to learn some of his own lessons, actually taught me some valuable ones instead. This is one of them. I failed my friend and may have paid some consequences for it, but he woke me up to a reality that I needed to face- That my desires and emotions ARE NOT more important than doing God’s will. Verbally I have said this before, but my actions did not always prove so. Since then, I have been more focused on God and have put my feelings behind me. Recently, I have not had to exhibit as much self-control because I have diminished my own desires. The more you have of SELF the harder it is to control. And so I say less of self and more of Thee.

I have learned to be STRESS FREE. This has also been one of my GREATEST challenges. I work REALLY hard but as one of my best friends pointed out to me, that almost means nothing if you let yourself worry and get stressed out about it. It almost defeats the purpose of doing good work in the first place. Work is vanity if God is not behind it. And when I worry and get stressed, I am not trusting in God and I am too focused on this life. And so, I was challenged several ways this summer and God sent a few small tornados into my life… I was tempted to worry. I almost got stressed. But for the first time, I stopped. I shrugged it off. Worry and stress will not change the outcome any so why do it? Therefore I am ready for those new challenges God has for me and the new work He has for me and I REFUSE to give up my trust in Him. I REFUSE to live a life of hard work full of vanity. I WILL work hard, but it will be backed by my Lord and therefore ultimately fulfilling.

For my husband and my future children, I have chosen to leave those demons behind me. Yes, I will still have more things to learn along this life road, but those walls that prevented me from taking the next step have been demolished. They may try to build up again but I refuse to let them. I will leave them behind. I’m in Your hands oh my Lord and my God and You will direct my steps. No more walls that will keep me from You. So here I go taking the next few steps into the next part of my life. Who knows when God will take me to that big turn in the road, but I’m ready for when He does.

Someone who will love me with everything they have.
Someone who will cherish me and adore me.

Somone who I can spend an autumn afternoon with, swinging in a hammock and making dreams and lots of plans.
Someone who will sing obnoxiously loud with me, as we listen to the radio with the windows rolled down.

Someone who works hard.
Someone who is my team mate, my partner, my friend.

Someone who will grow with me in our love for God, and is willing to give everything for Him.
Someone who will work with me in loving others, and there will be no limits to our service.

Someone who is as nerdy as me and enjoys laughing and having fun.
Someone who is as serious as me and will do the best in each endeavour.

Someone who will use me and give me work for my hands to do.
Someone who I can represent proudly and bring honor to.

Someone who listens.
Someone who shares.

Someone with:
big hopes,
big dreams,
and average is not enough.

Someone who "gets" me.
Someone who I understand.

Someone who loves me, before we've even met.
Someone who I love now while I work and wait.


I will never settle for
Someone who isn't trying to be his best.
Someone who won't make me better or help me get to that place above.

Someone who is ok with average and doesn't have a whole heart for God.
Someone who doesn't care or put others before himself.

Someone who wouldn't love his wife as Christ loved the church.
Someone who wouldn't be willing to give his life for her.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, then be with someone who would put a rift between me and my Lord.

And so if that "someone" special never comes,
then I will be content and joyful for the rest of my days,
just doing what I'm supposed to do and being who I'm supposed to be.

God's promises are true and I believe-
so whatever He has planned for me, I know it'll come.
And someday I'll be with Him in my heavenly home.

So many years gone, still I remember
How did I ever let my heart believe
in one who never gave enough to me
And so many years gone, love that was so wrong
I can't forget the way it used to be
and how you changed the taste of love for me

You were my one more chance
I never thought I'd find
you were the one romance
I've always known in my mind
No one will ever touch me more
and I only hope that in return
I might have saved the best of me for you

And we'll have no ending if we can hold on
and I think I've come this far because of you
could be no other love but ours will do


You were my one more chance
I never thought I'd find
you were the one romance
I've always known in my mind
No one will ever touch me more
and I only hope that in return
I might have saved the best of me for you

No one will ever touch me more
and I only hope that in return
No matter how much we have to learn
I saved the best of me for you



(Michael Buble)