I went to North Texas this weekend to see some of my siblings and an aunt who drove from Arizona to visit with us.

During the visit we took a trip to the cemetary where my grandpa is buried. This grandpa is the father of my aunt and my biological father. My brother was aasking questions and telling us some about his childhood. I first thought how my father had not changed and yet I loved him so much in spite of his failures, selfishness and mistakes. It made me sad to the point of tears that he had a chance to change, to make things different for my brothers than he had made for me. It still saddens me.

Then today I was looking at some pictures my sister posted on Facebook of our trip. I chose one of the pics for my new profile pic. I may post it here tomorrow. In that picture, I radiate happiness. My eyes shine. My face glows. I am as always conscientious of my smile as I don't like how my top lip comes over my teeth and reveals my gums. Sorry, I went off on a tangent.

Today I caught myself thinking how people don't change i.e. Leopards don't change their spots nor zebras their stripes, so to speak. I came to the realization that it is not true. People can change. Some people just choose not to change. Some people choose to blame others for their failings, sins, insecurities, mistakes, etc. It's only those who take responsibility for those things and press on who are able to change. I know that we are all a product to a degree of our pasts, but if focusing on negative happenings, habits, and thoughts are not causing positive interactions with those you love or are causing you suffering in the long run, then something needs to change and it might just be you.

I need to clarify that I am not pointing fingers at anyone. I was really was just thinking of myself because I was looking at my new profile picture and talking to my sister, Samantha tonight. I see the happiness and peace radiating from my face and I like it that way. That face is because I chose to change me. I chose love, forgiveness and peace over insecurities, fears and doubt.

In my half awake state one morning recently the "Love chapter", I Corinthians 13 was brought to my mind. I found that I spend a lot of time pondering this text and trying to apply it to my life and those around me. However, a new thought was given to me. Perhaps I shouldn't only apply these lessons to people but also to my God. Sometimes I am in awe of simple things can be so profound.

1Cr 13:1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
1Cr 13:2 And though I have [the gift of] prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
1Cr 13:3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed [the poor], and though I give my body to be burned, [fn] but have not love, it profits me nothing.
1Cr 13:4 Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
1Cr 13:5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
1Cr 13:6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
1Cr 13:7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Cr 13:8 Love never fails. But whether [there are] prophecies, they will fail; whether [there are] tongues, they will cease; whether [there is] knowledge, it will vanish away.
1Cr 13:9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part.
1Cr 13:10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
1Cr 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
1Cr 13:12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
1Cr 13:13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these [is] love.

I don't seem to love God as much as I thought I did. I definitely need to ponder this some more. I continue to struggle with doing the things that people of faith do in an attempt to please God to earn his favor and doing those things because I love God.

I am reminded of white washed tombs (Matthew 23:27), stinking incense (Isaiah 1:13), and the double minded man (James 1:8).

Lately I'm working hard to learn.

Phl 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

and

2Cr 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I have known 2 Timothy 1:7 for some time, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

There is great turmoil in my family between my parents, one of my sisters and her husband. Angry, profane and hurtful words are being shared all around and it is heartbreaking. I must stop dwelling on this. I am not sleeping well. My mood is not as it should be. I'm working hard to not lose hope.

Psa 42:11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Please pray for peace and resolution.

Please keep my Grandmother Dorothy in your prayers. This is my birth father's mother. She lives in Arizona. She broke her hip at the beginning of August. She was hospitalized then put in a nursing home. She has some sort of confusion, so she doesn't know what's really going on. She is immobile. She's not communicating rationationally other than to be able to say she's not in pain. She keeps pulling out her ivs when she needs them. She's not eating. Now she has a bladder infection. The doctor is going to put in "pic" line so they'll be able to give her some nutrition in hopes of helping the antibiotics work better. It seems if she doesn't improve in a couple of days they're going to stop things and do they're best to make her comfortable. So please pray for her and us as we are so far away and coping with our concern for her.

I am not in a good place. I had a drama filled childhood. My grandmother has been my one constant person in my whole life. She is my "momma", my hero, my best friend, my confidante, my constant support and encourager. I don't know how to do this without her. I miss her. Before she fell I was calling her three and four times a week. If I were to see her now I don't know that she would know who I am. I am so heartbroken.

Tomorrow my Dorothy is leaving for Colorado. She'll not be home until the 19th. I am not allowing myself to cry. She'll be safe and having a great time with my sister in law, Sammie and family. However, I'd still really appreciate your prayers for me as I work through her being gone and for her safety and pleasure in the trip. She's taking my camera, so I am expecting loads of fabulous pictures, as long as she doesn't lose it. lol