today i hide from the world
curled up in my bed
watching the afternoon sun creep toward me across the wrinkled sheets.


october has wrapped around my heart
making it just a little harder to breathe


the delicate shimmering threads that connect me to what passes for sanity these days
are taut and humming with strain
as i weight myself down with decisions and bungee off the nearest bridge
hoping that the existential whiplash
won't result in long term damage



some people stress eat
or stress clean
i stress nap




an inventory of my past and current entanglements
indicates that some streamlining is required
if i am to operate at optimal functioning capacity
while a cost benefit analysis
of the effort involved
indicates that a nap is really the best solution




greg says
time is a function of forgiveness

i can be blinded by my beliefs
just as easily as my doubts

















i was listening to this song on repeat
(his fault)
and i started thinking about how we mix up a little
what we know
with
what we believe about what we know


i feel very strongly sometimes that i "know" God is there and real and present
but what i "know" is really what i choose to believe about what i have felt or experienced

the meaning that i attribute to feelings or experience shapes the way i see the world
which is what we all do
but i think sometimes it's easy for me to forget that there is a step in between
experience and belief
and to take for granted that what happens to me in life means what i have pre-decided that it means

while taking for granted that God is real
and has particular characteristics
and does things a certain way
can help ease me through awkward and difficult times
because my questions only go so deep and then run into the floor of my a priori assumptions


the other side of knowing
is that i can't learn what i already know





my best moments with God
are when i willingly suspend my beliefs
and say,

"hi.
i'm me.
who are you?"

matt posted this on his blog and i swiped it because it cracked me up.

i'm from pittsburgh, pa and i say "pop".

how accurate is this for you?

give me your tired,
your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
send these,
the homeless, tempest-tossed
to me,
i lift my lamp beside the golden door!
~ emma lazarus

{inscription on the statue of liberty}





we forget sometimes that this world is not our home
that freedom is not about taxes and property and civil rights
and america is not the golden door


so when we cry out to God,
from hearts covered in blood, and dust and smoke and grit,
"how could you let this happen?"
He gently reminds us
that the freedom to choose means not everyone will make the same choices




the nature of God is revealed in not only what He does
but also in what He doesn't do


He does not force us to love Him, obey Him or choose Him
but He also does not leave us without experiences
to help us make informed decisions
about who we become if we choose fear, hate, and control
over truth, love, and mercy



nine years later
the twin towers point to God with an incredible power
that they never had while they were standing










romans 8:28

clarity
is not easily achieved
when one is tired, stressed, dehydrated or hungry

caring for myself has always been my own personal waterloo
and though i pay lip service to its importance
i rarely follow through
preferring instead to gather people around me
who are sufficiently invested in my existence
to care for me


considering the unfolding of a lotus level crazy in my psyche lately
i am surprised at my emotional equanimity
as if my awareness is floating on the surface
of an existential hurricane
in some pocket of serene and peaceful atmosphere
regardless of the massive destruction taking place on the ground below




september brings me:

teal toes
orange eye glitter
gingerbread tea
gummy vitamins for grown ups
elderflower juice boxes
a deeper appreciation for the love of my God
inexpensive items from ikea that make my bedroom pretty
striped socks
more freckles than ever
hope





change is in the air
and change i know and love
it's stability
that i'm trying to learn these days