Well kids believe it or not I'm back and better than ever. It has been a long semester and I barely had time for anything. Just a second to say that I'm alive and well and still in search of the living God. I know that he is out there somewhere and that I will find him if I keep looking. God bless and keep you all.
Well, the wonders of the summer have faded away and the nursing facilty has decided to take complete control of my life again. You know it is pretty bad when it is only the second week of school and you already feel overwhelmed. I have 32 hours of classes (12 hours of clinicals) and an additional 10 hours a week in labor at the hospital. I'm really beginning to understand the meaning of that statement that sleep is for the weak. Sleeping has become one of those strange objects of desire. I remember it to be something nice and refreshing and I know I would like to do it again but don't believe I will be able to this semester. Still searching for the truth and not really knowing if I'm finding it. The more I learn about God the more complex he becomes. Sometimes it feels like the Lord is far from tangable. I feel like a little kid running in a field trying to grab the wind and always being disappointed by coming home empty handed. I have always somehow thought that God is that wind. Something that cannot be seen only felt, everywhere all at once, powerful yet gentle, and something that no one really seems to completely understand. I hope that I can find out more about who the LORD really is and how he wants me to live my life. Thank you for your message cellophane. It provides much encouragment to me to know that someone understands my search for the living God. I would love to study with you and hear what you have to say about these new things I have learned. May the LORD bless you and keep you along you journey to the truth as well.
Well, I'm sure you all thought I was dead but I have just been without internet access for quite sometime. Right now I'm not even on my own computer. As you can see from my last blog I have been studying with the bible now for over a month with the (try not to freak out now) Jehovah's Witnesses. I am learning things about the Lord and about myself and about the bible that I never knew existed. I am 21 years old and I don't pretend to be perfect. I have had sex, gotten drunk, lied, cursed and everything else that you might associate with being a bad christian but one of the unique things I always seem to find is that God always calls his people back to him. And for some odd reason (or maybe just eccentric tastes) he wants me as one of his people. Of all the extremely offensive sins that I have mentioned, the hardest to recover from and repent. I have been with the same guy for almost 3 years and he is the only one I have ever had sex with. Given appropriate financial situations we will be married within a year (two at the most). We can go for as long as 6 months at a time and be what everyone would classify as a "Good Christian Couple" and as have a relationship that would also fit that title. We even read the bible together and pray together. But it seems like we can never stay on the wagon (in fact we seem to come rolling off of it naked). I am curious what others out there on this site might have to say. For the life of me I don't know why the world seems to have it out for the Jehovah's Witnesses. They seem to be very good people and they read the same bible and believe in the same god as other christians. I am also curious as to what advise (especially from those who have been there) others have about recovering for premarital sex. I know that I am not spiritually dead, just weak. Any strength that you who read this can provide would be helpful.
NOTE TO CELLOPHANE: YOu are they only one who knows who I really am and I am sorry if any of this surprises you. Know that I love you and miss you and that this site has become my safehaven and that I get the true honest opinions of those who blog me and if it is at all possible I would like to remain anonomus (or however you spell it). If anyone could understand that I though that you could. Hope all is well and feel free to call me anytime.
You know, I really like this quote. It is from Bridget Jone's diary and it is something that one of the leading males sayes to the lead female. Sometimes I think what is even harder than finding someone who likes us "just the way we are" is learning how to like ourselves that way. When I feel like I don't like myself or any aspect of who I am for whatever reason I often read from Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self-Reliance". I thought I would share part of it with you guys and the website is http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm if you are interested.
There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.
Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes, although I know life should always be beautiful it is still none the less boring. I'm currently living alone in a house with 4 cats (I like to refer to them as a tribe of wild felines that have taken over the summer house). If I have learned anything in my life it is that I will never become an old woman who has cats. I am only 21 and I feed the tribe well but I still wake up in the middle of the night with one eyeing me nearby and wonder if they would eat me if given the opportunity. I know that God has is grace and beauty is every thing that he does but sometimes when I work with someone at the hospital I wonder is all life is really designed to be seen as beautiful. Some of the biggest challenges I have had with my faith have involved caring for someone who is ill and dying but completely underserving of their fate (like a child). Today I worked with two women with breast cancer. One was in her 40s with 3 children ages 4, 6, and 10. The other in her 60s who had been battling breast cancer for more than 5 years. My grandfather died from cancer and sometimes I think it was a blessing to him. Cancer lets you know that you are dying and gives you time to do the things you need to in you life (ie say your goodbyes before you die. Many are not so lucky in their fate. The nurse in me comes home and denurses (changes clothes and becomes J again) and leaves work at work. But the human in me, the christian in me can see only partial beauty in God's plan for these people. If the inside of a person is truly beautiful, then why must the outside suffer and have its beauty fade.