Does anybody on my entire list of friends still use this site (other than Miriam :P)?
PS: Hello Pleo :)
4:00am and I am still wide awake.. Operation "Get used to waking up earlier" has very likely failed due to this occurance.
Recently I decided to give up something in my life that was taking up (read: wasting) an obscene amount of my time. The problem is, I don't necessarily have something (or several things) to fill up all of that time. I know some of you are thinking, "WOW I just WISH I had free time just sitting around.." but you have to keep in mind that 1) I live by myself in an apartment, so cleaning and decorating takes up little to no time 2) I'm also single and don't have a family that demands my time, nor do I really have friends in town to spend time with 3) due to debt that I am very agressively trying to get paid off I really don't have a lot of money to spend either. It's pretty much just little ole me trying to entertain myself. I read quite a bit, watch TV (which I really don't like to do) some, and often end up staring at Facebook or Pleonast hoping that something marginally interesting will come up. I think I really need to find a new hobby.. everybody has things they like to do, and I just don't anymore. Lame huh? Anyone have any thoughts??
Tell me what YOU are up to this summer, and why haven't I seen YOU yet?!
So, I know that I don't really post on here that often, but honestly I don't really think nearly as many people get on here these days anyway. This post is really a bit more for me to get some thoughts off of my chest rather than to solicit responses from anyone in particular. Nothing in this post is really anything new to anyone who knows me well, and to the rest it's really not much more than a passing concern..
I'm in a bit of an annual funk
I'm feeling depressed
I'm feeling pretty lonely in particular
I have never really been one to ask for very much in this world. There are things that I would enjoy having, places I would like to see, and things I would have a lot of fun doing, but I've never even remotely felt like I ~needed~ those things, or that my life was any less exciting or fulfilled without them. Really all that I've really wanted was to be moderately successful in my job, to have a church that I can be involved in, have a few friends that are dear to me, and to get married and raise a christian family.
Disregarding some of the more frustrating parts of my job (everyone has those at their workplace from time to time), I really can't complain. I feel like I'm good at what I do, and many of my students are very successful performers, and (almost more important to me) have grown up into some very respectable, self-confident individuals. While there are a few aspects of my job that I might enjoy being improved, my current situation is enough for me if that is what I am given.
I love my church family here in Lufkin. They are some very sweet people who love the Lord and are usually very supportive of me. It is a bit frustrating to me that most of them don't understand why I try to leave town as much as I do whether because of my job or to visit other churches (usually in an overwhelming need to find other christians my own age, of which there are none at my current congregation), and, like many places I have been in the last 6-8 years, my fellow christians unfortunately assume the worst and talk to each other about it rather than come to ask me what I've been up to. Still, I don't hold it against them. They are good people, and more importantly: they are HUMAN. If I can't be forgiving, then I can expect that I will be in quite a bit of trouble myself one day. Again, what I have here is enough for me.. I can be content with this.
I do miss having friends very much. I know that in reading this many of you will think, "Hey, I'm your friend!! Don't forget about me!", but in truth I would be willing to bet that most of you (with only a couple of exceptions) haven't even thought my name in the last year. I don't hold it against you.. many of you are married and raising your own families, or you're in college and have more friends than you know what to do with, or we've just been apart for so long that we've just drifted apart. All of those reasons are perfectly acceptable and I don't feel angry or left out of things. I just REALLY miss having friends that I get to see on a regular basis.
The real frustration in my life is that I want so badly to be a husband and father and I am being denied that opportunity. Some people look down on me for that desire saying that I must be desperate, or that I should enjoy my time single and go do things and see things while I have the chance. Well, in my view, I would rather do all of those things WITH that person rather than tell them about it. I'm frustrated that I have kept myself for 32 years.. that I try to treat any girl that I date with respect and in return I barely get a second look, because they're looking for someone that's more of a 'bad guy' or because they see me more as a 'big brother' than marriage material. I'm tired of being told by people who have been married since they were 22 or by people who are barely out of High School that "you're young.. you still have plenty of time." Those people have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be alone for this long. Am I desperate? Certainly not. I want a wife and children more than anything else in this life, but not so much to settle for someone that I am not in love with. I will not compromise my christianity, will not marry someone that I do not feel is 'the one' just for the sake of being with someone. Despite all of that, is it really too much to ask after all of this time to find that 'one' person? Am I saying all of this in hopes that one of you will 'find me someone'? No, not really.. I wouldn't want anyone other than those that know me best to be trying to 'set me up' and I'm pretty sure that most of them are as stumped when it comes to finding me someone as I am. Sometimes I'm reminded of something my dad once said: "Be careful when you're looking for the perfect girl, because when you find her she might be looking for her perfect guy, and you might not be it." If many (read: most at this point) of my friends are an example, it's possible to find a situation where you are BOTH perfect for each other. I still won't settle. As I said before, I'm just putting all of this down do get it off of my chest, so to speak.
I don't want to hear, "just be patient," because I have been, and still am.
I don't want to hear, "pray about it," because I have for more days across more years than I can count.
I'm not really sure that I want to hear anything. I just had something to say.