Days seem to run together. Not much different from last year...

I am not ready for tomorrow...

I have the illness. I am sick and tortured. There are things that I should just get over, but they haunt my dreams. My memories are strained and pressed with bitter reminders of time past and love lost. The existence is false and feeble or a fable for those that want to love or love to see the weak and tender stumble along in the cold. Do I look cold to you? I fall fast and gain composure from the knowledge that I will rule the life I have chosen. I will yell and scold and vomit abuse and banish the beautiful light away. I will banish any small peace or good creature. Does it dare attempt to give me joy? I am far too gone and will vanish as suddenly as I appeared. It will be without warning that my rage and destruction spills over against the surrounding landscape leaving a desolate abyss. There was nothing there before and even less will remain. Give me back what was mine. Force it to love me and cherish me and never to punish me. I own the darkness. It is my home or shelter. My eyes cannot see and will not open except for fear the touch of another.

Hold that moment. Help is near and yet would never come too close. The pit is too deep and the cold or is it the lack of air? It is the absence of light. Grasp at stone and folly. There is nothing to support the crumbling facade. All will be lost soon and none will remember the tune. I hum and step to the beat. It keeps my steps light. What should I wear? It would be rude to leave dirty clothes behind when the last remnant of flesh gives up. It clings to the bone and sages at the muscle. There is nothing to sustain and nothing to build. The structure was lost long ago, a moment ago in fact. It felt like a lifetime and only took that child of a second. I cry and scream for nothing and nothing is what I get. Who hears me? Is it too much to ask for the sun? I call to the sun and slap my face. I have never felt so much loathing for myself.

I remember the paradise. There were beautiful people and ornate gestures from all around. From floor to ceiling the banners waved in the hot humid hair. The passers stopped to stare at the animals. They moved in place and mouthed the words to forgotten chants. The beasts sat in tired piles hoping to never be alone. They fell together and never knew the name of the one they held. It was never meant to be. What questions do you ask an animal, and what questions do you ask the dead? They will give you lie and truth as if the one and other would give no balance or knowledge more than the other. Both were equal and neither mattered. Who can speak to the dead? Will the beast stop its feast for the cry of a child? There is no heart and yet we can see the heart. There is strength in the ignorance. I can do anything without fear for death is the far better choice. Drag the time and wait for the time to pass. It does not renew, but only fades and destroys all that can be seen as pure and good.

One memory embraced can bring worth such profound emotion and tears of joy or sorrow. I usually cannot do it, but when I do I can see how an actor can use a memory to cry for a movie scene. They can really make you believe. There are memories hidden deep within my mind that seemingly hold all my emotions. I long to feel the warmth, the tender passions, the excitement, and even the sorrow I usually try hard to avoid now. What happened to me? How did I lose the love for life and everything it has to offer. There are so many things out there that will only cause pain. I fear the pain of emotions. Good or bad it all makes me feel. I don't want to feel. If it is bad then I want to avoid it, and if it is good I don't want to miss it.

There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch
someone you love walk away after they have left you.
To watch the distance between your two bodies expand
until there is nothing left but empty space...and silence.
-no idea