On Singleness: An Essay for Both Married and Single Christians

I considered calling this something hilariously inflammatory like “Marriage Advice from a Single Person,” but decided on something more descriptive. This essay is just various thoughts I have accumulated over time, a mix of reflections and opinions and experiences and scriptures. Think of Montaigne’s essays – that’s what I’m aiming for (except I have less gravitas).

It has come to my attention that, in my late twenties as I write this, I have lived a significantly longer portion of my life as a single adult than the overwhelming majority of other adult Christians I know. Oh, certainly I know some who married later in life, or remained single indefinitely. But the clear majority of both my peers and older Christians I know married well before they reached the age I’m at, and in many cases had one or more children by this time.

So I said to myself: self, can I learn anything from this? (Okay, I didn’t quite say it like that, but referencing the rich man from Luke 12 is fun.) Have I learned anything from my years of single living about…anything? Experiences (and thus insights?) that many of my peers never had due to marrying? Hmm…aha, aha…yes, perhaps. And it came to pass in the fullness of the times that I wrote this somewhat rambling essay. I hope it will encourage both married and single Christians.

I've seen or heard a number of...inadequate attitudes regarding young adults and marriage. I shall attack them! There are some expressions I’ve heard a painfully large number of times from other well-meaning people. I beseech you, dear friends, refrain. Refrain from spouting forth such folly like a cannon of gravelly sandpapery irritant.

Let’s start with the (stereotypical?) eighteen-year old freshmen distraught that they'll never get married. Among other things, this is a problem of impatience. Even for people who marry relatively young, it isn’t something that happens *poof* the day after one turns eighteen. It may FEEL like everyone they know is dating or marrying, but realistically, oodles and oodles of their peers are in the same boat. Consequently, there is a certain season of life when it is good and appropriate and wise to counsel a young person, distraught about his or her lack of marriage prospects, to have patience. There is a time when it is appropriate to say “You’re young, be patient, give it time, wait on the Lord, you have plenty of time,” et cetera. Adulthood has just begun, give it a little time for something to happen. I would venture to say this type of counsel is eminently suitable up through the early twenties, around 21 or 22, the time period when many people finish college. Keep in mind, this is just my opinion; I’m not laying down absolute rules.

Closely related to the impatient eighteen year old, perhaps its inverse, is the well-meaning adult who glibly insists that you're young and have plenty of time and are sure to marry eventually. While to some degree it is always good to encourage people to be patient and to wait on the Lord, at some point it really ceases to be valid to keep telling a person how young he or she is. Eventually (mid-twenties-ish, I think, in my experience), it actually becomes true that the overwhelming majority of one’s friends and peers really ARE married and have children. At such point, it becomes incredibly tacky and annoying to the still-single person for you (yes you, my bemused reader) to keep telling them how young they are and how they have plenty of time to find someone. To summarize: there is a time in life when telling people “You’re young, you have plenty of time, be patient” is appropriate and good, and there is a time in life when it’s no longer so appropriate, and it is good to know the difference. Eventually, single people are not eighteen anymore, so quit talking to them like they are.

There is a related problem that can appear when giving the aforementioned advice (whether the advice itself is applicable or not). I have often heard the “You’re young, give it time,” speech couched in terms of certainty that the audience will marry. “I’m sure you’ll find someone,” and other expressions of that ilk are a highly inappropriate to say to anyone, regardless of age. Why? There is no guarantee in life that one will ever marry. Yes, it’s true that most people do marry. It doesn’t mean you or I or someone you know will do so. Marriage is a blessing from God, the scriptures say. In that sense, it is a blessing like wealth, or wisdom, or good health, or intelligence, or abundant food, or liberty, or athletic ability…any number of things that are wonderful but are NOT guarantees or things God is obligated to provide to everyone. Some people enjoy the blessing of wealth; some people don’t. Some people enjoy the blessing of intelligence; some are not overblessed with brains. Some people enjoy the blessing of marriage…and some don’t. I don’t know about anyone else, but I grew with the vague sense that marriage is something that just kind of inevitably happens to everyone who’s a decent person (yeah, a few people never marry, but they tend to be weirdoes with serious problems). Well, then I grew up and marriage didn’t inevitably happen. Marriage doesn’t “inevitably” happen to anyone – it’s a blessing from God like the scriptures. We may wish for it, just like we may wish for more money, but there’s no guarantee it will happen. If you’re single, don’t hold an entitlement mentality toward marriage. If you’re dealing with someone who is single, don’t promote misguided expectations of certainty about ever getting married.

Okey-day, now let’s tackle another stereotypical figure: the earnest young fellow giving the devotional talk trying to convince you (and, one suspects, himself) that Paul teaches singleness is superior to marriage in 1 Corinthians 7. I’ve heard this sort of talk multiple times. Unfortunately, its claim is patently untrue. When dealing with single people, poor 1 Cor. 7 is often misused. A few lines of this one section of one letter get emphasized while the entire rest of the Bible’s teaching on marriage is ignored. Truly, Paul does say a few times that he advises single people not to get married. However, the major qualifier of this advice is that it is given “in view of present distress” (1 Cor. 7.26). Now, someone might say “But wait, there’s more!” and point to 7.32-35 as proof that Paul teaches the single can be more focused on serving God, more spiritual, than the married. These comments ought to be qualified by the aforementioned looming “present distress,” not treated as a blanket generalization that single people serve God more fully than married people. Looking beyond 1 Corinthians to other scriptures makes this clear. All scripture contextualizes all other scripture; it is not right to seize on a couple verses and ignore the rest of God’s word. What then ought we learn from these statements of Paul? It is true that in some circumstances (like persecution), marriage and family can be distraction; there are some circumstances (SOME, not all), were it might be easier to be single.

That leaves the question of what perspective the scriptures as a whole teach toward marriage. Well, basically, the broader message of the Bible is that marriage is to be considered the norm, and that marriage is a good thing. At creation, as we see in Genesis 2, God established marriage as normal, as the default of condition of human life. Marriage is part of the “everything is good” that God pronounced. God said it is not good for man to be alone, and God’s solution was marriage. Marriage was not a concession to human weakness, an unfortunate afterthought that distracted man and woman from serving God – it was good! Then there are the many statements in the scriptures refering to children (something that ought to come only from marriage) as a blessing, not as a hindrance or distraction. Let us not forget the Song of Songs (a.k.a. Song of Solomon), which powerfully and poetically glorifies married love. There’s also Proverbs 31 (although also dealing with the impact of wisdom on a person’s life), which presents a truly good, godly spouse as a tremendous boon.

It is true that as a single person, one has options and flexibility in serving God that one does not have if married. However, I absolutely firmly believe that one can serve God just as much married as unmarried. The Bible is full of people who did great things in God’s service – and who were married. The Bible also has people (most notably Jesus) who were not married and yet did great things for God. The key is to understand that one will serve him differently if married than one would if one were unmarried. The experience of marriage and raising a family is an important part of preparing men to be spiritual guides for a congregation (i.e. elders, I Tim. 3:4-5). Elders, who are in a sense to be ideal Christians, MUST have been married and have raised a family. If marriage is inherently and necessarily a distraction that gets in the way of serving God, why in the world does God demand these unspiritual, distracted people be the spiritual leaders of congregations of his people? Marriage should be approached as providing new opportunities to serve God, not as something that diminishes one’s ability to serve God. God gives some the opportunity to serve and glorify him in marriage and family, and to some he gives other opportunities. God made marriage to help people serve him, not to distract us from him; rather than be a problem, the companionship of marriage can help people work through the challenges of life.

Remember the poor chap three paragraphs up, the one trying to give the inspiring devotional night short talk encouraging singles to see how awesome it is to be single? Well, hopefully I’ve explained the problems with that view, and at least partially explored a more accurate perspective on marriage. I have a couple reasons for bringing all this up. First, I’ve struggled a great deal (for a variety of reasons) to grasp what exactly is a godly, scriptural perspective on marriage; while not assuming everyone is just as confused as I, I figure some might find it helpful to ponder these things. Second, I want smite any and all attempts to ever encourage a single person by citing 1 Cor. 7 and telling them how blessed they are to be able to live a more spiritual life. That’s untrue, unscriptural, and unhelpful. Understand? It demeans marriage as God created it. The way to deal with prolonged, unwanted singleness is not to misguidedly glorify it or to tear down the blessing of marriage.

For my next trick, I shall assail the married people who seem a little sour on marriage and warn me it's not as great as I think. Yes, I have had married people pursue this line of thought in what I can only assume is a misguided but well-meant attempt to make me feel better about being single. Hey, married people: DON’T DO THIS. You may well have troubles in your marriage at any given time; that doesn’t mean that is the defining quality of all married life, nor does it mean it’s appropriate to complain about it to your single friend. Remember all that stuff about how God says marriage is meant to be a blessing? Yeah. God create marriage, and as 1 Tim. 4:4 says, “Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude.” If your marriage has problems, you should be dealing with them, not using them to try to make single people feel good about singleness. Seriously. In fact, you should married peeps should be totally comfortably saying good things about your marriage! Don’t be shy about glorifying God by telling what a blessing your spouse is or how happy your marriage is! Single people can and do rejoice with those who rejoice! Don’t think that because we’re single you can’t talk about how great your marriage is. Having not grown up watching a happy, God-centered marriage, I LOVE seeing such marriages among my friends.

One the list of things NOT to say, please please please don’t trot out the fact that people in modern America are tending to marry later than in past years, as if this is somehow supposed to be comfort. While this is a fact, SO WHAT? The behavior of the world is utterly irrelevant to determining how a Christian ought to think about marriage. This vast majority of people who are marrying later in life are the same people who engage in premarital sex, abortion, divorce, and the redefinition of marriage to include same-sex relationships. They are not models of insight, wisdom, or anything worth emulating! They should not be guiding our attitudes toward anything, including marriage and family.

Okay, married people, I’ve been a big grump-grumps and told you not to say all this stuff, or at least demanded that you circumscribe it. What are you allowed to say to your single Christian friends? Well, expressions of sympathy are appreciated. Keep in mind that you need not dispense such expressions all the time; the lives of single adults are not defined entirely by singleness and it’s not on our minds every moment. However, if it happens to come up in conversation, feel free to briefly express your sympathy that you friend has not enjoyed the blessing of marriage. Feel free to mention how wonderful you think your friend is and that it puzzles you that no one comparably wonderful of the opposite sex has appreciated this. Feel free to tastefully encourage your friend to ponder what opportunities they might have the chance to pursue for God’s glory due to the fact that they don’t have family commitments (without putting down marriage). You don’t need to make a big deal out of these things or your friend’s singleness, but they can be nice things to say at appropriate times.

Married peeps, verily verily I say unto you that spending time with single people is also a good way to encourage them. I don’t know if my experience is typical for all singles, but at least for me I’ve noticed that friendships change when people marry. Naturally, reasonably, and appropriately, married people take on different set of concerns and foci and the relationship they focus on is with their spouse. BUT! Single people still need friends, and you were friends with them before you got married, they probably still want to be friends with you! (Shocking, I know.) As one move along in life, eventually one reaches a point (I know, I’ve done this) where very nearly all one’s friends are married (and having a baby…or a second baby…or a third baby…). I fully understand that you have a spouse and possibly children to focus on. I’ve also had the sense that married people tend to socialize with married people; this too makes complete sense, since they are having common experiences and facing common challenges and so forth. Speaking from experience, I will assert that a single person finds it…difficult to relate. So, married people, you can do much good by continuing to try to be friends with your still-single acquaintances who might otherwise tend to drift to the social fringes.

There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? See, there are plenty of ways to encourage the single Christian without saying stuff that is insulting or unscriptural! :D

Ah, while I’m mostly addressing the married people, let’s have a little fun and discuss matchmaking. I can give no definite command, but only share what seems wise to me, namely: don’t make a fool of yourself. If you must engage in matchmaking, follow a thought process at least marginally deeper than “He goes to church and is single. She goes to church and is single. Clearly they’re meant for each other!” More than once, I’ve endured this very thing. I’ve always managed to laugh about it, but it’s still awkward. Some well-meaning individual attempts to direct my attention to a member of the opposite sex. What about this makes me burst out laughing and makes my would-be advisor look absurd? Well, the person to whom I’m talking barely knows me, for one thing. If the person toward I’m being directed is someone I’ve never met and / or lives in another state and / or obviously has little in common with me, I laugh even more. Then I try to offer a polite-yet-dismissive “Thank you.” Consider the serious way Abraham and his servant dealt with their matchmaking enterprise in Genesis 24. I cannot go so far as to rail against all attempts at matchmaking, but please, at least ponder wisdom before you undertake such action.

All the stuff so far has been somewhat directed toward singles, but more toward married people who deal with singles. Now I shall discuss reverse these emphases. To start off, I wish to say that it is OKAY to feel sad about not marrying / being married. Yeah. I struggled with this for a time. Is it ungrateful of me to feel sad about not being married? Am I not appreciating the blessings God has given me? Am I failing to be content like God wants? I worried about these things. Now, certainly, one may make a veritable god out of marriage, letting it (or its absence) become a focal point of one’s life, and that most certainly is sin. Remember Genesis 2, though. The prototypical condition for human life as God created it is marriage. The consistent picture we see from the scriptures is that marriage is the norm, and singleness an exceptional situation caused by particular circumstances (1 Cor. 7 again, or Matthew 19.11-12). While I couldn’t point to book-chapter-verse that says it point blank, I think one could reasonably suppose that in some sense, people who never enjoy the blessing of marriage are victims of the sin-corrupted world that no longer fully corresponds to the “good” way God made the world, just like people who are born with health conditions. The world is corrupted and doesn’t work the way God intended it, and for some that may mean experiencing a type of loneliness that God specifically acted in the creation to avoid.

Feeling sad about that is okay. Just don’t let it become an idol, don’t let it steal your joy and keep you from appreciating all the other blessings God gives you. Remember passages like Prov. 18.22; marriage is a blessing God provides. Compare that proverb with Prov. 10.22; wealth is a blessing God provides. Do you go around depressed all the time because God hasn’t made you rich? I hope not. We have no more right to expect God will make us rich than that he will give us a spouse or provide any other particular blessing. We should appreciate and use all the blessings that God gives us for his glory. If we stay focused on that purpose, it’s easier to deal with not having any particular blessing. We can still be grateful and joyful and content where we are. Contentment, by the way, doesn’t mean full, utter, unconditional, complete satisfaction and acceptance of our current circumstance. For example, Hebrews 11.6 describes “faith” as believing that God exists and that he rewards those who seek him (that means looking toward something better in the future); Heb. 11.16 also draws attention to the idea of seeking something better. In the famous content passage of Philippians 4, in v. 6 Paul mixes thanksgiving with making requests. Contentment, acceptance of one’s situation doesn’t mean one can’t ever want anything else.

On a related note: singles, live life! Have fun! Don’t let singleness deprive you of joy. Personally, I have sometimes felt sort of like aspects of the song “When Will My Life Begin?” from Tangled (fantastic movie, by the way). There’s a sense that marriage and family are essential to adult life and without them, I’m stuck in some weird quasi-adult limbo. It took me time to come to terms with that, to realize I shouldn’t live like that. Have hobbies, develop routines, set goals, make plans. Don’t leave life on hold waiting for something that may or may not ever happen. Enjoy the blessings God gives you. Maybe there are some things you don’t do (I can’t bear to go to movie theaters alone; I associate it too strongly as a family / social activity); that’s fine. But don’t live life constantly saying “I can’t do this” or “I should postpone that” or “I can’t make this decision” because “Someday I might marry and then things would change.” However you might have wished for life to be, life obviously didn’t turn out that way. Don’t let that hold you back from growing anyway! Make the most of the time God gives you!

There’s another question related to contentment to ponder: looking for a spouse. Should one? Given all that I have said, I do not think it wrong to ponder spouse-seeking. The words of Proverbs (such as chapter 31) even indicate advice about the sort of person to seek as a spouse. So I think it fine to seek a spouse. But I think there is something important to realize: God is an even more important player in bringing about a marriage than the two humans involved. As mentioned before, the Proverbs say a good wife is a blessing from God. Further, consider the prototype of all marriages, Adam and Eve, in Genesis 2. Note v. 22: God brought the woman to the man. I think that indicates a significant principle: people often emphasize that men are supposed to be the pursuers in relationships, and so forth. There may be some truth to that, but ultimately it is God on whom we must depend to find a good spouse, not our own “seeking” abilities. The point, then, is don’t rely overmuch on your own efforts to make something happen. Make the most of whatever of opportunities God gives, but avoid either arrogantly assuming more control than you really have or needlessly burdening yourself with responsibility that you don’t really have.

Hey singles, remember that paragraph where I asked married people not to ignore their still-single friends? Well, note that this can be a two-way street. Don’t give up on your friends, or ignore them, because they are dating. Don’t assume they’ll have no interest in talking to you after they get married. I am very thankful to have continued my relationships with several of my closest friends well long after they’ve gotten married and even had kids. I’ve never been terribly skilled at this sort of thing, and I definitely have room to improve, but it is well worth the work to maintain friendships.

So, apparently the AP is deciding to quit using terms like "illegal / undocumented alien / immigrant" because of the pejorative labeling that they involve.

In that spirit of unbiased charity, I had some ideas for other non-judgmental terms we can start using, to avoid inappropriate forms of labeling.

An Illegal / undocumented alien / immigrant should be called a "gifted American."

Mass shooter are people who perform "misguided post-birth abortion."

Terrorists commits acts of "adrenaline-inducing policy advocacy."

A drunk driver is really an "SUV passenger."

The last few days (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and today) have been the happiest of this semester so far. Why? Because I've been focused on research and source-chasing and managed to forget about COMPS for a short time. :D

And then today I remember COMPS. Icky, icky COMPS. Bleh. But I got a pep talk from my fantastic advisor and went back to doing research.

And that's the latest news. Moo.

So, February is almost over. I do rather wish it were longer. I could do with more days to do school. Comps loom large. And somehow I must write a research paper too. Two months into 2013 already. Madness!

Hmm. Not much of note is happening to me at present, aside from school.

Yesterday, someone asked me if I was high school or college. Still gives me a laugh.

Some humor:
Jonah 4.10 paraphrased: God said to Jonah "You didn't build that."

Ciao!

You've probably seen one of the various pictures floating around teh interwebz of the fast food hamburger(s) left out for years without growing mold. The implication is inevitably that fast is not "real food" or its full of unnatural chemicals or is otherwise so artificial that you should be creeped out and never want to eat fast food again. That's what the makers of such pictures want you to think. Reality is a little different, as I learned from a bit of googling.

There's nothing weird or bizarre about fast food not molding when left out a long time: leaving it out lets it dry out, and since it was cooked it already had very little moisture in it, AND it has a significant amount of salt, those are what preserve the food. If the food is kept dried out, there's no water to support the growth of mold or bacteria, and of course salt is a preservative. The combination of drying and salting food has been the recipe for preserving food for thousands of years. So although there's some truth to the idea that under the right condition, fast food could seem to "keep" a long time, it's not due to preservative chemicals or anything unnatural - it's just the way even the ancients preserved food. That doesn't mean a two-year old burger would be GOOD to eat, but it does explain why it doesn't seem to mold.

So, in moderation, enjoy that fast food! :)