Day 9 and 10
I had this really weird conversation with this girl online. It was an odd flip of morality. You couldn't have asked for irony if I wrote the script.
I'm not into going details today but it has been the same routine the last couple of days.
The tipping point for my parents divorce when I was 11 was my father calling phone sex lines. It was a mess, but that was the end.
I never wanted to be like my dad. Alcoholism and sex addiction and abuse are the legacies he left me. But here I am 10-15 years later acting exactly like him.
Phone sex, web cam sex, pornography are constants in my life. Maybe it's the phone sex last night and the other night that highlight it to me.
How is it that you wake up one day as the one guy you never wanted to be?
It has been a little over 24 hours since the last time I masturbated. I began watching my favorite cam girl last night, but something strange happened. There was nothing there. Not much lust not much of anything. Just a girl. I'm sure if the server error had not occured I probably still would have acted out. But it did occur. Now here is the thing. I don't know if this is me getting better or me being so drown in this sea of pointless sex that I've moved on to another level of degradation.
I don't know how to not have this in my life. The times I have been free of this sex addiction for anything longer than a few days was honestly a supernatural miraculous gift from God.
Day 5 and 6
I met a guy the other night who has spent 40,000 dollars on a web can girl. That's right I didn't screw up the zeroes - 40,000 dollars. Now personally, A high estimate of how much I've spent on porn all together would 10,000 in ten years. I'm not saying that I'm better that this guy, I just don't have the 40 grand to drop or I would.
Things have been much the same. More porn. More masturbation. Maybe just a bit less because it is the weekend, but probably not. Whether I'm watching porn or masturbating or not the lust just continues to grow.
One definition of addiction that holds true for me is continuing to do something despite that negative consequences. I could lose everything. And by everything I do mean everything. Job, house, car, friends, family, life, and God. But in the face of all that I can't stop.
Now I know why I never have any money. Because if I did I'd use it for the wrong things...
You know what the problem with pornography, especially girls on webcams is? It's that you start imagining everyone on a web cam. SSDD. Except some new stuff today sort of. In the past, over the last two years i guess, there have been time where I have created a false persona online. (What you say? Someone lying about who they are on the internet?) Here's the thing, I always created it as a girl. Reasons come down to two. Number 1, it keeps me out of trouble int the sense that I can't go meet someone because then they would obviously know I'm lying. Reason 2, The "dark passenger" within me is never satisfied with any girl except maybe Briana Banks. But shes a porn star so go figure. That part of me sees women as purely sexual creatures. So that part of me wanted to create the perfect (in my mind) sexual creature. No inhibitons no restraints completely willing for whatever the guy wanted to do. Over the last two years I've done this probably over 50 times. I've chatted with guys and had cybersex and phone sex.
But last night I did something I've never done before. I actually chatted with a woman as a guy. I had phone sex with her and then continued on to check out the webcam girl i have acrush on. Why am I saying all this?
I imagine my life from the vantage point of God as that of a two year old or maybe a defiant 8 year old. Who everyday you have to tell or yell at to stop making the same mistakes. Wondering when it's going to be that God will just be done with me. When is it going to be that He says "that's it I'm done".
Here I am today. Screwed up really bad. I can't remember the last time I was sober in the sexual sense for 3 days in a row. Where's my miracle? When does this journey end? When can I come home?
I'd just like to know. If it's 3 years like Augustine or 5 or 10 i just want to know so I can start counting down the days...