checking in

at 08/28/08 5:05PM
Day 9 and 10


I had this really weird conversation with this girl online. It was an odd flip of morality. You couldn't have asked for irony if I wrote the script.

I'm not into going details today but it has been the same routine the last couple of days.
  • psemmusa
    Hi Dorian. How have you been over the last 11 days? God bless you.
    by psemmusa at 09/08/08 11:12AM
  • jongardner
    Long time no post. I hope that's a good sign.
    by jongardner at 09/08/08 11:40AM
  • secretadmirer
    Hey. What's up? Are you OK?
    by secretadmirer at 09/14/08 7:13PM
  • psemmusa
    *still praying*
    by psemmusa at 09/15/08 12:16PM
  • oeyjay143
    I've read your posts, hope you're okay.
    by oeyjay143 at 12/01/08 7:38PM

I am my father's son.

at 08/26/08 8:56PM
Day 8


The tipping point for my parents divorce when I was 11 was my father calling phone sex lines. It was a mess, but that was the end.


I never wanted to be like my dad. Alcoholism and sex addiction and abuse are the legacies he left me. But here I am 10-15 years later acting exactly like him.

Phone sex, web cam sex, pornography are constants in my life. Maybe it's the phone sex last night and the other night that highlight it to me.

How is it that you wake up one day as the one guy you never wanted to be?
  • jongardner
    Hi, brother. Know it or not, your posts are generating a lot of prayers on your behalf. Some people find your words disturbing, but many are genuinely concerned for you. I am.

    And of all the things that you've said, I was most taken by your post on Day 4 when you asked, "Where's my miracle? When does this journey end? When can I come home?" We all pray and then wait for our miracles. But we often miss them because we're looking in the wrong places for them, or we don't recognize them because they arrive in a form that we weren't expecting.

    Your posts have inspired me to compose a song - "Miracle." Here's a link to it. I hope you’ll listen to the melody and consider the words. Maybe your miracle is already here.


    Miracle
    We’re praying for you, brother.
    by jongardner at 08/26/08 10:23PM
  • jongardner
    But you don't have to follow in his footsteps. You can be like Josiah, who chose NOT to take up the legacy of his father and grandfather. You can't allow yourself to see yourself as a victim of another man's legacy. Once you start down that path, you'll find nothing but excuses for your behavior.

    You've done something very courageous. You have faced your addiction and admitted that your best efforts to conquer it have all failed - miserably. You've reached a point where you aren't sure that you can EVER defeat it. It looms as a huge mountain before you. And all it takes is the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain, right? Which takes us back to the song. When we pray for our mountains to be moved, we think that it will happen with earthquakes, or dynamite - or bulldozers at the very least. But sometimes the mountain must be moved one shovel-full at a time. Daunting, huh? For sure! But that's what faith is all about.

    You'll be hacking away at this mountain for the rest of your life. But the alternative is to lay down and let it burry you! One day at a time, buddy. That's what it takes. And there will failures along the way. More days of failure than success at first. This is your cross to bare. And it sucks. But it could be worse. You know that. There are people facing bigger mountains than you've ever seen. And you know it.

    My prayers are with you, friend. I hope we can exchange more thoughts if you find it helpful or encouraging. Lots of love to you, brother.
    by jongardner at 08/27/08 8:21PM

24

at 08/25/08 9:13PM
Day 7

It has been a little over 24 hours since the last time I masturbated. I began watching my favorite cam girl last night, but something strange happened. There was nothing there. Not much lust not much of anything. Just a girl. I'm sure if the server error had not occured I probably still would have acted out. But it did occur. Now here is the thing. I don't know if this is me getting better or me being so drown in this sea of pointless sex that I've moved on to another level of degradation.

I don't know how to not have this in my life. The times I have been free of this sex addiction for anything longer than a few days was honestly a supernatural miraculous gift from God.
  • veryharry
    ok, so are you crying out for help? or are you some kid on here being stupid?
    by veryharry at 08/26/08 11:20AM

the illusion of progress

at 08/25/08 1:11AM
Day 5 and 6

I met a guy the other night who has spent 40,000 dollars on a web can girl. That's right I didn't screw up the zeroes - 40,000 dollars. Now personally, A high estimate of how much I've spent on porn all together would 10,000 in ten years. I'm not saying that I'm better that this guy, I just don't have the 40 grand to drop or I would.

Things have been much the same. More porn. More masturbation. Maybe just a bit less because it is the weekend, but probably not. Whether I'm watching porn or masturbating or not the lust just continues to grow.

One definition of addiction that holds true for me is continuing to do something despite that negative consequences. I could lose everything. And by everything I do mean everything. Job, house, car, friends, family, life, and God. But in the face of all that I can't stop.

Now I know why I never have any money. Because if I did I'd use it for the wrong things...

Augustine was 28 before God turned him around. I'm 25...

at 08/22/08 4:39PM
Day 4


You know what the problem with pornography, especially girls on webcams is? It's that you start imagining everyone on a web cam. SSDD. Except some new stuff today sort of. In the past, over the last two years i guess, there have been time where I have created a false persona online. (What you say? Someone lying about who they are on the internet?) Here's the thing, I always created it as a girl. Reasons come down to two. Number 1, it keeps me out of trouble int the sense that I can't go meet someone because then they would obviously know I'm lying. Reason 2, The "dark passenger" within me is never satisfied with any girl except maybe Briana Banks. But shes a porn star so go figure. That part of me sees women as purely sexual creatures. So that part of me wanted to create the perfect (in my mind) sexual creature. No inhibitons no restraints completely willing for whatever the guy wanted to do. Over the last two years I've done this probably over 50 times. I've chatted with guys and had cybersex and phone sex.

But last night I did something I've never done before. I actually chatted with a woman as a guy. I had phone sex with her and then continued on to check out the webcam girl i have acrush on. Why am I saying all this?

I imagine my life from the vantage point of God as that of a two year old or maybe a defiant 8 year old. Who everyday you have to tell or yell at to stop making the same mistakes. Wondering when it's going to be that God will just be done with me. When is it going to be that He says "that's it I'm done".

Here I am today. Screwed up really bad. I can't remember the last time I was sober in the sexual sense for 3 days in a row. Where's my miracle? When does this journey end? When can I come home?

I'd just like to know. If it's 3 years like Augustine or 5 or 10 i just want to know so I can start counting down the days...
  • russylan
    This is pretty similar to what I said before. But if you focus on the sins that you're committing instead of on God, it's highly unlikely you'll overcome them. God has to be first. And yes, that's from personal experience. Just a thought.
    by russylan at 08/22/08 5:59PM
  • lemurboy_4
    The thing is, God idn't going to just say, "that's it I'm done". He won't abandon you. The thing thats tough about sin is that it is definitely addictive. And the way that I have found that works best for me, is that before I do things, i put real thoguht into what I am doing. i say to myself, will this lead me to sin, or is this sin? and then if it is sin, and I think to myself, am I willing to choose this sin over God? and no matter how much I want to commit sin, I continually find that I would rather please God. Am I saying that this is easy? no. Am I saying it has worked everytime? no. But, sin has a snowball effect. The more you do it, the more difficult it is to beat. It's like smoking, if you can ake it past the three day hump, it gets infinitely easier.
    by lemurboy_4 at 08/22/08 9:41PM