A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. - Mohandas Gandhi

If this is true, I'm ridiculously brave. I feel like I love really recklessly, and like other people don't appreciate my love. I feel misunderstood and totally torn down when my love is not returned. I feel like people take so much love from me, without returning it... I feel used for it, sometimes.

When I read this quote, though, I felt better. I feel strong for having the love to give. I feel brave for loving people who don't love me back. I just don't know when to stop expressing that love for people... It takes a lot out of me to love without anything in return.

What do you do when you do everything to tell and show your love and support for people without anything in return? How do you keep giving love? Or is it impossible, and do you stop? I don't know... I feel tapped out of love, though.

Have NOT been taking care of myself. That ends today... My self-care has been slowly declining for about a year. I need to get back on track. No more eating out at junky places, no more sitting around on my bum, and no more working WAY too hard. It's all up hill from here, baby!!!

Life seems to be getting exponentially better. Please pray for me. I feel like every time I get up, I get knocked down... most of the time, harder than before.

Life is wonderful!... for now... hormones are becoming my metaphorical pimp... They make me vulnerable and are never consistent... and they slap me around...

Slap a hoe... peace...
Caty

Throughout the history of Caty, there has been a general... overwhelming independence... Overwhelming to the point of annoyance.

"Two date Caty..." they called me... or they would have, could they have... I mean... they didn't, but it sums up how a lot of people felt about me...

During high school, I would date a guy for a week or so... and then break up, because they were tie-ing (that's right... I don't know how to spell that)... me down WAY too much. I just like the freedom of being... well... free...

During college, it was pretty much more of the same... I mean... I went on a few kinda dates with Nathan Caldwell... I was too lame to do anything, though... Immaturity ran amok... and I liked him, but nothing ever really happened...

The Philippines forced me to mature. I was more independent and dependent than I have ever been before. Being a lone American at site... and about an hour from another American... was difficult. I depended on myself more than ever before. BUT... when you're learning how to live in a different culture, you depend on the people in your village/town/whatever more than you've ever depended on anyone before. It was intense, and I came home 2 1/2 years later MUCH better for the experience.

Commitment to people... This is something I learned in the Philippines. You have to really commit to your relationships (romantic, friends, family) if you want to get anything out of them. Wow... So true... I just needed to learn how to differentiate myself from the person I was partaking in a relationship with, yet still connect.

Lately, the lines have become blurry between healthy relationships and having people become a part of my repitiore (I can't spell that word...). I feel like I'm letting others dictate whether or not I go running in the morning, whether or not I clean my house, whether or not I do pottery, whether or not I make time to journal, etc... I feel like I crave company...

Note: I've been having this dream that I have my baby, I'm alone in Chicago/a field/an island... and no one is there to help me with my baby... It's absolutely terrifying. Sometimes, the people in my life abandon me one-by-one... Sometimes, I just don't know anyone and so no one will help me... Sometimes, I'm just totally alone.

Note 2: I'm pregnant... Having a baby... No, I'm not married... I am having issues with hormone regulation, so I dare you to say something about how sinful it is. I will cut your heart out, with my sharp uncivilized words...

I feel like my life is very lonely, right now. I feel very alone with a very big responsibility. My family takes every opportunity to tell me that this situation "is not ideal" or "could have been prevented"... etc... I feel super alone, and super vulnerable. I'm not married, which I feel like would make things better. I'm not even "together" with the baby daddy, technically, because he needs more time to think about whether or not he wants to make things work with me. I feel like it all makes me too eager to attach myself to people who give me their time and presence. I am vulnerable and needy, right now.

So, I think I'm going to go on a silent retreat, if the frickin' monks at this Franciscan place ever call back. I just need some time to be with myself, and be present with myself in a loving and non-judgmental way. Be expressive of my thoughts and feelings, without putting a value on them. Interesting... Interesting indeed...