Help

On this, my eighteenth birthday, I feel like I need to address something that’s really important to me. Something that I think everyone needs to hear.

Apparently I’m seen as a leader. As confident. As independent. I’ve been told I’m pretty. I’ve been told I’m talented. I’ve been told I’m funny. I’ve been told I’m smart. I’ve been told I’m wonderful. But I’m here to tell you there are days where I feel worthless. I feel lonely. I feel ugly. I feel stupid. I feel depressed.

Depression is hard. We don’t talk about it enough. It’s a real thing, and it’s a real problem. Lots of people go through difficult times in their life. They need our help. But some people struggle with depression for years. They may consider suicide as a way out, especially when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. When someone feels sad enough to end their existence, they’ve got it bad.

Some people publicize their suffering. That’s easier to detect. Jump on those obvious opportunities to help. If someone is constantly broadcasting how difficult their life is, put aside your judgmental tendencies, your “Ohmygoodness, quit complaining”s, and serve them. Reach out. They may not realize it, but they need you. And guess what? You may not realize it, but you need them too. We were made to serve.

Sometimes, though, depressed individuals hide it. Forcing a smile is a developed skill. If you want to help these guys, you have to go deeper than the surface. Masked depressives tend to become reclusive during difficult times. Instead of announcing their troubles to the world, they stay in bed all day. They avoid public places. When they do come out into the open, they keep their heads down, shoulders slumped, and eyes empty. While broadcasting depressives tend to be feeling extreme anger or sorrow, masked depressives feel nothing. They are empty of all emotion. Their life feels pointless. These are the depressed that slowly sink deeper and deeper into the pit of despair without anyone’s notice. This is dangerous.

If you know someone that’s been slowly withdrawing, PULL THEM BACK. Be their friend. Ask them how they are. Don’t accept “fine” as an answer. Ask them about school, sports, music, movies, anything. Find what subject gets the most positive reaction (or any reaction), and focus on that. Check up on them. Send them texts saying how thankful you are for them. Invite them to lunch. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our own personal bubbles; we begin to lose sight of the people that really need our attention.

Sometimes people you never expect to have trouble with depression are struggling. Maybe it’s the popular girl that secretly feels lonely, in need of a real relationship. Maybe it’s the athletic guy that keeps his bad relationship with his parents classified. They need support. They need you.

Maybe it’s the girl that everyone thinks is on top of things. She’s got good grades, good parents, and decently good looks. But she starts to become distant. It may seem like she’s a snob, but she really feels lonely. When people think you’re perfect, they hold you to an unattainable standard. She feels like a display. That’s a lot of pressure. Her grades start to slip. She stops going out. She starts to feel that all her relationships are cold and unnatural. She stops smiling at strangers. She stops encouraging little girls at church. She stops participating in class. She stops putting on makeup. She stops getting out of bed. She stops feeling. She stops living.

That was me. Everything in that paragraph was me. People are surprised when I tell them I suffer with depression, but I do. Some days are fine. When the sun is out, and I’ve got something to look forward to, everything’s okay. But when it’s overcast, when it’s stressful, when I mess up, when I feel lonely, I’m there again.

It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. Imagine floating in a void. There’s glass around you. Everyone moves on with their everyday lives, but you’re stuck. Breaking out never occurs to you. This is just the way it is. You stay there until someone notices and breaks down the walls. Depending on who’s around, you can be stuck for a very long time.

Thankfully, I had God. He saved me. Confession time. Don’t freak out, but I considered suicide. Twice. I’m totally over it now, but at the time those feelings were real. Very real. Thankfully both times I got so scared I immediately snapped out of it. How could I do that to my family? Most of all, how could I throw away the life God had given me? Sure, it felt totally worthless, but He must have a plan for me.

If I considered death – me, Hannah Beckley, the girl that lives the most blessed life on the planet – then who else does? Many people live without God in their lives. Bring Him to them.

In my case, God worked through someone. My mom. She knew what I was going through. She knew what to say, what to do. There is no way I can put to words how thankful I am for her. She doesn’t know it, but she saved my life.

God works through people. We can all help in different ways. We can all sympathize. But some of us can help empathize. Some of us know how it feels. To those of you that have had similar experiences as me, don’t hide it. It’s embarrassing, but look at yourself now. You pulled through it. With help you pulled through it. Others need that help. Don’t be selfish. Take a leap of faith, knowing that your temporarily bruised pride may help someone get through a life threatening situation.

I guess my point through all of this is HELP. Help everyone. Help the weak, help the strong. Everyone has difficulties. Most people don’t have a mom like mine. Make sure they have someone. Be their someone. Be the person God can work through. Help.

Now depression is just an example. I personally have experienced depression, so I can help others going through the same thing. But replace depression with something else. No matter what it is, someone else is going through it, and they need to know they’re not the only one. Help.

“Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:1-4

Help.
  • sirtarin
    It really seems a bit strange thinking about young people from camp struggling with depression. But, I usually don't think about anyone from camp having struggles. As you say, we all have struggles. I certainly do. May God continue blessing and supporting you in yours. =)

    And thanks for the encouragement. While I don't suffer from depression, I know some people who do, and hopefully this will help me to help them. I will certainly need to learn to be more empathetic, since that is not a naturally strong trait with me.

    Have a beautiful hymn to help encourage you:
    by sirtarin at 04/19/13 11:12PM
  • stambering
    Yes, Hannah, you are not alone. Many many young people DO struggle, and everyone struggles with something. Thank you for sharing your journey, and thank you for sharing how your mom was your helper. I had a helper too, my mom. I was anorexic as a younger person and did not come out of it totally until a year and a half or so of marriage (not until I got pregnant with Elijah) and even now body image is a very present thought of mine. Kept under control now so self starvation is not an answer, but I feel a calling to help other girls realize the anorexia struggle is real and it affects so many aspects of our life. Depression is similar.

    Again, thank you for sharing. You're an encouragement to get out there into other peoples lives and get busy being nosy in a very loving way.:) Blessings to you. And Happy Birthday!
    by stambering at 04/20/13 1:31PM
  • granny
    Beautiful comments. Hannah, you are so loved. Amber, I love you for your comment. Both of you are an encouragement to me.
    by granny at 04/29/13 12:45PM
  • meditationis
    This is a very good description of what depression is and does and looks like. I know. I've been here for a long time. Thanks for bringing this up.
    by meditationis at 05/04/13 9:24AM

All the World's a Stage

-notices you on my page- Oh, hey! It's been awhile! Thanks for coming by. How've you been? I've been great, thank you. What have I been up to...? Good question. Where to start...

Okay, well, school should be my first answer. However, I've been pitifully lazy in this part of my life. I have a speech to write and be able to present... Wednesday. What do I have done? Weeeeeell... research? That's the joke of the class. See, we're supposed to give a five to seven minute speech on three styles of music. So research is... listening to the music we're suppsed to speak on. Yeeeeeah. Mrs. Brad wasn't too impressed either. However, I really do know a lot about punk music, how it's influenced people and society. All I have to do it get it down on paper. Or, rather, computer screen.

I have also been teaching myself to read music. I've got the basics down, and now I want a keyboard. The only trick is convincing Mom and Dad that it's a necessity... even though it's honestly not. Wait, that sounds like I plan on tricking my parents. I'll just tell them I want a keyboard... a lot. A whole lot.

Tuesday night Dad, Josh, Abi and I went to see The Cincinnati Shakespeare Company put on Hamlet at our local library. I'd forgotten how much more engaging live peformances are, and have therefore decided to act. I am (as my mother can testify) dramatic, so with a little practice, I'm sure I could land a small role in a local play. Also, since I sing, I'd enjoy being in a musical.

This afternoon, I watched a video of my amazing friend Clara and her friend Emily giving a duo at a speech competition. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1RJqY3ohHc) This convinced me that I would enjoy being in a speech and debate club. Namely, SOAR (Clara's club). So, next year, I'm going to join. See, now that I'm writing this, I can't back out.

This is now a post all about my intentions to be dramatic: A speech, acting, singing, and... All three. I guess that's just me. Drama and music.

So that's what I've been up to lately. All the world's a stage, and I plan on making the most of it.
  • you_and_me
    I didn't know you sing! :) I love imagining the world as a stage... Your posts are so inspiring! =)
    by you_and_me at 04/01/11 9:40AM
  • sallyanne
    :) .. Drama, drama, drama...
    by sallyanne at 04/01/11 1:23PM
  • _fire_of_fantasy_
    Awesome!! Ooohh I bet you guys sounded great. :D

    I love this post. (: I'm so jealous about the Hamlet thing. XD
    by _fire_of_fantasy_ at 04/01/11 2:20PM
  • juliamiriam
    Love you!
    by juliamiriam at 04/02/11 12:20AM
  • zsha_zsha
    *like*
    by zsha_zsha at 04/06/11 7:53PM
  • granny
    You should ask your granddad about singing in a musical -- and prancing into the FC cafeteria all decked out. Shakespeare, here we come!
    by granny at 04/20/11 2:29AM
  • juliamiriam
    Happy (1 day late) Birthday!!!!
    by juliamiriam at 04/20/11 1:31PM
  • _fire_of_fantasy_
    I know, right?! :D :D :D
    by _fire_of_fantasy_ at 05/17/11 10:12AM
  • juliamiriam
    I can't wait to see you!!!!!! =)
    by juliamiriam at 05/17/11 1:28PM
  • _fire_of_fantasy_
    Your blog is like, completely neglected. o.O
    by _fire_of_fantasy_ at 11/29/11 10:50PM

Life Is...

Okay, I'm guessing something weird happened with... the commenting thingy. So let's see if you can if I repost this:

What about life makes it worth living? Why is it so special?

Life is walking in the rain, splashing through all the puddles you can find. Life is putting on sunscreen, but missing that one spot on the tip of your nose every time. Life is spinning around in circles until you’re so dizzy you fall to the ground. Life is taking a walk in the forest all alone, simply listening. Life is going to bed late because you were having too much of a good time to even think of sleeping. Life is learning to find wonder in even the most mundane things. Life is painting a room bright yellow. Life is watching the sunrise. Life is watching the sunset. Life is tipping over your canoe accidentally. Life is burning your tongue on hot chocolate, and not being able to taste anything the rest of the day. Life is screaming into a pillow. Life is singing at the top of your lungs. Life is crashing and burning, and realizing you had a parachute all along. Life is standing on the edge of a cliff, and feeling like you could fly. Life is realizing that people can be mean. Life is avoiding grudges. Life is storming to your room, and slamming the door. Life is coming back out again, and apologizing. Life is getting a phone call from someone you haven’t heard from in ten years. Life is remembering better times. Life is determining to make the most of the future. Life is getting up and playing a game of baseball with your family. Life is hanging Chinese lanterns in the gathering dusk. Life is catching fireflies. Life is flying kites. Life is searching for Easter eggs. Life is writing letters. Life is crying yourself to sleep. Life is laughing so hard your stomach hurts. Life is making friends. Life is losing friends. Life is changing clothes three times a day because you can’t find the right outfit. Life is wearing old jeans and a t-shirt because it doesn’t really matter. Life is gardening with your grandparents. Life is going halfway across the world by yourself. Life is getting lost. Life is asking for directions. Life is being humble enough to admit when you’re wrong. Life is winning graciously. Life is cheering for your team. Life is helping people when it’s inconvenient. Life is wrapping Christmas presents. Life is reading a good book. Life is being able to laugh at yourself. Life is realizing that the cup really is half full, even though someone drank the other part of it. Life is taking the smaller half of the cookie without pointing to the fact that there’s no such thing as a smaller half. Life is cleaning up spilled milk. Life is making the most of your small part in a play. Life is taking the initiative. Life is wondering if you’re indecisive. Life is drawing with chalk all over the driveway, and then moving on to the cul-de-sac. Life is learning how to ride a bike. Life is trying to ride a bike without hands, and falling over. Life is picking yourself back up again. Life is telling the people you love that you love them. Life is meaning what you say. Life is accidentally breaking someone’s heart. Life is having your heart broken. Life is getting over it, and moving on without the person. Life is being confused as to whether you “like” someone or not. Life is realizing that you obviously don’t. Life is grasping the fact that there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Life is seeing that love is a decision, attraction is a hormone. Life is worrying that people will hold you to what you say. Life is telling yourself, “Uh, that’s a good thing.” Life is looking in the mirror, and actually liking what you see. Life is laughing at self motivational tapes. Life is dying for attention. Life is realizing that the spotlight can be blinding. Life is coming up with clever things to say five minutes after they’re relevant. Life is pretending to be unimpressed when someone shows off. Life is misquoting movies. Life is forgetting your pajamas but remembering your blow-dryer. Life is staying up all night giggling. Life is going into Walmart and doing crazy things. Life is being the person willing to stand up for what they believe in. Life is getting laughed at by people who are secretly insecure. Life is taking a hayride in the dark with blinding camera flashes. Life is requiring someone to delete a picture. Life is starting a chant. Life is being picked out of a huge crowd. Life is playing a game of spoons with forks. Life is knowing how to swim. Life is being offered someone’s jacket, and turning it down because you’re tough. Life is regretting foolish choices. Life is being a little blonde, and little nerdy, and a whole lot of fun. Life is ignoring people’s useless criticisms. Life is being the go-to person. Life is having good advice, but not being able to follow it yourself. Life is being there when it really matters. Life is wishing upon a star. Life is forgetting nursery rhymes. Life is growing up. Life is being a child at heart. Life is slightly contradictory. Life is being complemented by strangers. Life is being creeped out by scary people. Life is dying of embarrassment when your sister sticks her tongue out at cute guys in the car next to you. Life is dying even more when you go to the same restaurant as them. Life is holding your head high, even when you don’t feel like it. Life is pranking friends. Life is getting rid of old toys. Life is holding on. Life is letting go. Life is feeling like you could burst with emotions. Life is expressing yourself. Life is being creative. Life is writing exactly 1,000 words on memorable moments in your life: past, present, and hopefully, future.
  • you_and_me
    I love it Hannah!
    by you_and_me at 03/08/11 6:10PM
  • dragon_blade
    That made me smile. :D
    I remember SO MUCH of this stuff, and discussions about other parts of it. XD
    by dragon_blade at 03/08/11 7:19PM
  • you_and_me
    Made me smile too. *grins with teeth* See? XD
    by you_and_me at 03/08/11 8:05PM
  • sallyanne
    Is it FINALLY working?????????
    I love this and I've tried to comment at least ten times!!!
    by sallyanne at 03/09/11 12:20AM
  • _fire_of_fantasy_
    I love this!! :D
    by _fire_of_fantasy_ at 03/09/11 11:53AM
  • zsha_zsha
    I LOVE this SOOO much!!!! You are a great writer!
    by zsha_zsha at 03/09/11 4:24PM
  • granny
    I kept hoping I'd be able to get back here. For me, I like your 1000 words because they have helped me to know you just that little bit more. My girl, dear granddaughter.
    Hey, you look good in hats!
    by granny at 03/10/11 1:07PM
  • juliamiriam
    This is great!!!!!!!! :)
    by juliamiriam at 03/10/11 2:21PM

Life Is...

Life…

What about life makes it worth living? Why is it so special?

Life is walking in the rain, splashing through all the puddles you can find. Life is putting on sunscreen, but missing that one spot on the tip of your nose every time. Life is spinning around in circles until you’re so dizzy you fall to the ground. Life is taking a walk in the forest all alone, simply listening. Life is going to bed late because you were having too much of a good time to even think of sleeping. Life is learning to find wonder in even the most mundane things. Life is painting a room bright yellow. Life is watching the sunrise. Life is watching the sunset. Life is tipping over your canoe accidentally. Life is burning your tongue on hot chocolate, and not being able to taste anything the rest of the day. Life is screaming into a pillow. Life is singing at the top of your lungs. Life is crashing and burning, and realizing you had a parachute all along. Life is standing on the edge of a cliff, and feeling like you could fly. Life is realizing that people can be mean. Life is avoiding grudges. Life is storming to your room, and slamming the door. Life is coming back out again, and apologizing. Life is getting a phone call from someone you haven’t heard from in ten years. Life is remembering better times. Life is determining to make the most of the future. Life is getting up and playing a game of baseball with your family. Life is hanging Chinese lanterns in the gathering dusk. Life is catching fireflies. Life is flying kites. Life is searching for Easter eggs. Life is writing letters. Life is crying yourself to sleep. Life is laughing so hard your stomach hurts. Life is making friends. Life is losing friends. Life is changing clothes three times a day because you can’t find the right outfit. Life is wearing old jeans and a t-shirt because it doesn’t really matter. Life is gardening with your grandparents. Life is going halfway across the world by yourself. Life is getting lost. Life is asking for directions. Life is being humble enough to admit when you’re wrong. Life is winning graciously. Life is cheering for your team. Life is helping people when it’s inconvenient. Life is wrapping Christmas presents. Life is reading a good book. Life is being able to laugh at yourself. Life is realizing that the cup really is half full, even though someone drank the other part of it. Life is taking the smaller half of the cookie without pointing to the fact that there’s no such thing as a smaller half. Life is cleaning up spilled milk. Life is making the most of your small part in a play. Life is taking the initiative. Life is wondering if you’re indecisive. Life is drawing with chalk all over the driveway, and then moving on to the cul-de-sac. Life is learning how to ride a bike. Life is trying to ride a bike without hands, and falling over. Life is picking yourself back up again. Life is telling the people you love that you love them. Life is meaning what you say. Life is accidentally breaking someone’s heart. Life is having your heart broken. Life is getting over it, and moving on without the person. Life is being confused as to whether you “like” someone or not. Life is realizing that you obviously don’t. Life is grasping the fact that there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Life is seeing that love is a decision, attraction is a hormone. Life is worrying that people will hold you to what you say. Life is telling yourself, “Uh, that’s a good thing.” Life is looking in the mirror, and actually liking what you see. Life is laughing at self motivational tapes. Life is dying for attention. Life is realizing that the spotlight can be blinding. Life is coming up with clever things to say five minutes after they’re relevant. Life is pretending to be unimpressed when someone shows off. Life is misquoting movies. Life is forgetting your pajamas but remembering your blow-dryer. Life is staying up all night giggling. Life is going into Walmart and doing crazy things. Life is being the person willing to stand up for what they believe in. Life is getting laughed at by people who are secretly insecure. Life is taking a hayride in the dark with blinding camera flashes. Life is requiring someone to delete a picture. Life is starting a chant. Life is being picked out of a huge crowd. Life is playing a game of spoons with forks. Life is knowing how to swim. Life is being offered someone’s jacket, and turning it down because you’re tough. Life is regretting foolish choices. Life is being a little blonde, and little nerdy, and a whole lot of fun. Life is ignoring people’s useless criticisms. Life is being the go-to person. Life is having good advice, but not being able to follow it yourself. Life is being there when it really matters. Life is wishing upon a star. Life is forgetting nursery rhymes. Life is growing up. Life is being a child at heart. Life is slightly contradictory. Life is being complemented by strangers. Life is being creeped out by scary people. Life is dying of embarrassment when your sister sticks her tongue out at cute guys in the car next to you. Life is dying even more when you go to the same restaurant as them. Life is holding your head high, even when you don’t feel like it. Life is pranking friends. Life is getting rid of old toys. Life is holding on. Life is letting go. Life is feeling like you could burst with emotions. Life is expressing yourself. Life is being creative. Life is writing exactly 1,000 words on memorable moments in your life: past, present, and hopefully, future.

Never Land

I stumbled across this as I was moving files from the old computer to my laptop, and thought it was worth sharing. I wrote this while in South Africa last December. Tell me what you think!

Hannah
____________________

You know how Peter goes back to Neverland? Why? Was he wanting to escape reality, responsibility...? I always cried at the end of the movie. Poor Wendy was left all alone, in love with a boy that would never grow up. Somehow, I think there are too many Peter Pans in this world. Trouble is, they don't just disappear into the night sky. They stay, and we have to deal with them.

My name is Hannah Beckley, and I’m a lot like Wendy. The oldest of three, I tend to be grounded when it truly matters. If some boy asked me to live in Neverland with him, I would probably be tempted to stay. Nonetheless, in the end, I’d go home. I want to have a family. I want to be responsible. I want to grow up.

Sometimes, though, a guy walks into your life, and upsets everything. Cue the Peter Pan. He’s boyish, funny, charming, silly, forgetful, sweet, but ultimately selfish. He wants what’s best for him. Sure, he doesn’t mean to be self-centered, but he’s so childish, he doesn’t realize the harm he’s doing. Peter may have wanted Wendy to stay in Neverland, but that wasn’t what was best for her.

Life is full of decisions. Wendy realized this. She had two choices. One option was to stay in Neverland with the boy, to be young and carefree forever. The second option was to go back home without the boy, and face the challenges of reality.

We are faced with a similar decision. It may appear that we have the same two options, but ultimately, only one leads to happiness. No matter how much we wish and want to stay children, we have to face the world eventually. There is no Neverland to run away to. Still, some people struggle and fight to remain Peter Pans. They dream of a place where there are no troubles or responsibilities. This Utopia does not exist. Sooner or later, we have to grow up. You have to make the decision, or reality will make it for you. Eventually, we’re all faced with life. We can’t hide behind Mom and Dad forever. We can decide in our teenage years that it’s time we accepted the course of life, and shoulder our loads. Otherwise, we can fight nature, and choose to be stubborn and immature, refusing to be responsible for our actions. This leads to the eventual destruction of ourselves, and the people around us.

Wendy made her choice. What will be yours: reality, or Never Land?
  • you_and_me
    That is brilliant! I love it! And I would choose reality. :)
    by you_and_me at 03/01/11 2:10PM
  • misssonja
    Oh how well considered and written!!!
    by misssonja at 03/01/11 5:28PM
  • dragon_blade
    I love this. :)
    I'd probably choose reality, but always, deep down in my heart... I'd long for Neverland.
    by dragon_blade at 03/01/11 9:50PM
  • dragon_blade
    Teehee. XD
    I'm glad that it made you smile. XD
    I love you too, girl!!! :D
    by dragon_blade at 03/01/11 9:56PM
  • _fire_of_fantasy_
    This is awesome, Hannah! I'd desperately want to choose Neverland, but in the end I'd choose reality, because it would be the right decision.

    For some reason, I wanted to use this quote. :D
    "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." --Albus Dumbledore
    by _fire_of_fantasy_ at 03/02/11 2:08PM
  • smiley_face
    Awesome post. :) (you're post made me think....atheists or anyone who disbelieves in God create a utopia in which there is no responsibility, no morals, no consequenses, but only Jesus and the cross come trough reality.)

    You're awesome girl! Keep it up!!! :D
    by smiley_face at 03/02/11 8:02PM
  • CatOwner
    This is a very good article, Hannah. At times younger folks tell us older folks we have different ideas because we're older. But I can see you have a very responsible and mature spiritual outlook, and that is so refreshing. You can probably influence many that older people couldn't, simply because of the age difference. God bless you as you continue to serve Him!
    by CatOwner at 03/03/11 9:30AM
  • leahabigail
    Thanks for posting this Hannah!! It's really awesome!! =)
    by leahabigail at 03/03/11 12:02PM
  • you_and_me
    Hannah I love your picture. You're so pretty!
    by you_and_me at 03/03/11 3:52PM
  • ethantweedie14
    Good post.. I'd pick reality!!
    by ethantweedie14 at 03/12/11 2:47PM