Do you ever get that way? Where you're mind is just completely blank? It's wierd. I have so many things that are happening and going on, and yet, it's blank. School, a wedding, and a ladies retreat are all coming up, but yet, my mind isn't consumed with those things. Instead, it's consumed with thoughts of happiness and finding the best path to take. Figuring out what will happen in the next 2 years. It's wierd...my life is so different than what I thought it would be 3 years ago. Granted, at the time I was a scared freshman who didn't know anything. The funny thing is...now I'm a senior in college, a year and a half away from graduating, and I still don't know anything. I wonder sometimes if God intends that to happen to us. If he knows that the things that we want to think about or should think about...he just won't let us go there.
Life is wierd. And I know supposed to be that way, but it is. How things change, why they change, and when will they again. I guess all of this is to say, that I'm really scared, because after this year, I have to grow up. I have to become an adult who has to find herself...according to whatever standards have been set. I have to find a job or figure out if I'm going to grad school. And the thing is...I know that's all part of it, but it scares the stuffing out of me. What will I be doing with the rest of my life...and that has to be decided in the next few months. Will I be a counselor or a social worker or something else? WHO KNOWS? I certainly don't. And I think the unsurety is what scares me most. And spiritually I know things are good. For the first time in a long time, that part...that most important part is great and happy and just really good. But it's the career stuff and my future that I wish that I could grasp. And everyone tells me, "You're only 21; you have plenty of time." But how much time is plenty? After a certain point, that time runs out. I guess just not knowing is hard and wierd to comprehend. It's the BIG unknown of not knowing what to do or how to get there. It's my life!
I guess I had just never allowed myself to go to that point of trying to figure out what to do and where to go. And now that I'm having to make those "big girl" decisions, it's the scariest thing I've ever had to do. And I know there will be bigger things to figure out, eventually, but right, this is huge. I hate the unknown, and I hate not knowing how to navigate it. I feel like a ship without a compass passing through a huge patch of fog. I'm trying to get out of the cloud, but it just seems to get bigger and bigger. It just seems never ending.
I know God has the answer, and he will guide me, but I don't know...I'm not trying to be independent from him. I guess I just feel like I have to figure this out so that in the future, I can figure other things out. I think the transition and the change are really hard to push through. The older I get...the more the transitions change. And therefore, the cloud just seems to get that much bigger. I know that's really unclear, but I don't know, I guess everyone goes through something similar at some point in their life. It's just a matter of time. Boy do I wish the cloud of uncertainty would get smaller. But I guess then that that wouldn't be life! Who knows? Only God...and thank goodness that he does!
Definitely call during office hours...I'm back on the second floor so I can't be in the computer lab (on the eighth floor) for two and a half hours straight. That might raise some eyebrows--and I wouldn't want to get in trouble! I'll have to tell you the latest news around here...it's gossip central! Nothing changes around here, I guess.
Whew! All that and you still don't think you have it figured out?? I think, maybe, you have figured out more than you realize! You know what, you may make a decision of what education path to take, counselor or soc. wkr. and you may do that with complete contentment, but guess what!, you may then later to change that idea for you life and guess what again! it's OKAY!! You're allowed! I cannot speak from college experience of life, because I have none, but I do know that you have put an awful lot of pressure on yourself to "know" exactly what you want the rest of your life to be like. If I had had a crystal ball to look in to when I was 21 I would have the picture of my life that I have now and I would have said "No way!", I would have never imagined that the Lord would have changed EVERY, did you you hear me?, EVERY path that I thought I would take. And it's all ok! Figure out what you want for this part of your life and yes it may actually bleed over into the entire rest of your life, but guess what, it very well may not! Look at Adam, he made a decision in his education, invested lots of time and money and effort I am sure, but guess what, he decided to change his path, with Gods direction. We all have to make decisions, at every age, at every stage in our life, and we pray for guidance and we move on, but that doesn't mean the those decision will be in place for rest of your life. Decide what you want to do for the next, oh say 10 years, instead of 50 years. I love you and I am encouraged by your ocntinual search for Gods will in your life. Make sure, sure, sure that you are enjoying the life you have now, don't anticipate so much the future, it will come, day by day!
As per my usual, I have certain thoughts that have been collecting in my brain over the past several weeks, and I figured that it was high time to let them out. Mainly, why do we question God? Why do we wonder if he knows what he's doing? I mean, look around at all the things he's done, is doing, and certainly will do, and even looking at all of that, we still question him. The creator of the universe, and yet, we deam it necessary to question our Lord. I can never understand why I do it, let alone, the rest of the world. And yet, I still do it. In my search for things that I wanted in my life, I questioned not only the Lord's authority but his timing and his reasoning behind what he was doing. Now, even though my search for the things that I wanted in my life haven't always come to fruition, I still just don't understand how we, as human beings and as thoughtless as we are, how can we question what the Lord does? Even the bad things, I ask him why I have to go through it, knowing the whole time why I go through the bad and hard things that I do. I wish I had answer as to why I do this, not only to myself, but to my best friend, my Lord, my father.
I can remember as a child, when my dad gave me a directive, I followed it, without questioning him, probably because I didn't want to get in trouble, but it was much more than that and to this day is much more than just getting in trouble. And yet, when it comes to my heavenly dad, I question him everyday. By questioning myself, I question him! I guess my thought is or question is...is that ok? Do we have that right when the Lord makes us do something, even if we don't want to? I know this probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's been on my mind, especially with all the stuff that I've gone through in the past several months. Especially the hard things, I questioned the Lord, my heavenly father, every step of the way. And honestly, sometimes I didn't even get an answer, and sometimes I got an answer, either one that I wanted or one that I didn't, but I still can't get beyond the fact that I questioned the one person I should never question. I guess I'm just a little confused and worried and just haven't really been able to get past this point. I look at the apostles and when they questioned Christ, most of the time, he rebuked them.
So...how in the world do we get beyond questioning the Lord? Especially in everyday life? I know the Lord knows what's best for us, but why is it that I can't understand or even get confused by that concept? I just wish I could see the piece of the puzzle that I'm looking for. I know it's hidden in amongst all the other pieces, but why can't I find that one piece? And why does it seem like it is continually missing?
I know this seems like a whole hodge-podge of thoughts...but I've just been a little confused by this whole concept lately, and just thought I would put question/idea out into the void for everyone to chew on. I still have absolutely no clue and wish I could somehow find the missing puzzle piece!
I look at you and I see a strong, smart, young, beautiful, enthusiastic (sp?), Christian. You have SOOOOO much. Don't feel the pressure to have it all figured out so early in life. Life, love, family, career, all these things are short. Your puzzles will change, as you complete one you will find yourself starting another. It will ALL come, enjoy the puzzle you are working on now. And if it gets too ovewhelming, if the pieces all start to look the same and you can't make a distinction between them, put a towel over it, leave it on the table for a while, then come back to it another day with fresh new eyes! Thats what my mother used to do literally, she's still putting puzzles together at 72!, literally and figurativly (sp?)
Yeah, I did! I'm super proud of myself. :) You know I used up all my productivity for the month, though. By the way, I know you don't watch my show, but OTH was awesome last week--you would have yelled at the TV too!
I just read Mandee's answers. There is nothing else that can be said in addition to that. Praying for you with this struggle. We all have our own struggles, I know that right after high school, I was really feeling "puzzled" and unsure. I look back now and see how God guided me in his own way, and not according to mine. You are wonderful, and love the Lord so much, You seek him in all that you do and that is obvious to all around you, therefore I have no DOUBT that God will guide you through these puzzling times.
you are right, in time you will, but we won't such an immediate satisfaction and reward sometimes, that it is difficult to get beyond ourselves and see such a future answer.
Guess who was at church Wednesday night? The boy misses me so much he had to come home. :) It was fairly surreal; Mags, Trey, Matt, and I were talking about how it wasn't the same without him, and he appeared! He sold his Grandma's car, so he brought it up here. We told him it was hard to really miss him if he kept coming home. :)
Well...that's perfect, I have the 17th and the 20th of October OFF of work! Let me know cost, We'll have to start planning for that and the nice gas prices for the drive up!
Lately,
I've been thinking about this year in review. Many positive things have occurred, as well as, several negative things. I've been reflecting a lot on the negatives. In fact, I seem to be drawing my courage and strength from those negative things these days. I have come to a realization, especially in the past few weeks, that I would much rather go through a million negative and hard things than one positive easy thing. I think I've said this in several posts before, but I think I am who I am today due to the fact that I have gone through many difficult things in my short life. But I've also come to the realization that getting through those negative things wouldn't have been possible without God by my side. For so many years, he's honestly been my best friend. I could tell him anything, and still do so much because of him. However, I've noticed that when things do become difficult, I tend to draw away from him. Not from a lack of knowing that he can handle anything, especially the negatives, but from my insecurities and my lack of trust in him. I haven't given him enough credit, in all aspects of my life.
I was talking with someone the other day about how incredible God is. Just the fact that he knew us before we were even born...to me that is just unthinkable. I am so amazed by everything he has done, is doing, and will do. I know that I definitely have not thanked him enough for even allowing me to breath everyday. All the little things...I am truly in awe. I think so many times I get caught up in everyday life, and the funny thing is, I also get caught up in tomorrow's life and the next day's life. But in Matthew, in the Sermon on the Mount, Christ even tells us not to worry about tomorrow for worrying about today is sufficient. I have plenty of flaws, but honestly, that's the worst one. I hate that I worry, everyday, usually about the same, old, mundane things, but a lot of the time, other things consume my thoughts and cause me to worry even more.
But even in all of that worrying about mundane things, Christ is right there, holding me up, holding everyone up. Christ truly is incredible! Instead of worrying everyday, I wish that I could worship the Lord everyday in the things that I do. I can only hope and pray that the Lord will allow me to do that!
Anyway, All that is to say that Christ has gone above and beyond in my life...and I know that I would not be the person that I am today without him or the people in my life, and for that I am truly and deeply thankful!
I once heard a definition for "worship" is a proper response to GOD. Recognizing what GOD has done for us, what HE is doing for us and what HE will do for us and praising HIS name for it as you are doing is definitely worship to HIM. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Merry Christmas!
I've always said there's a reason for everything that happens whether good or bad. We might not ever know what that reason is but we can always have confidence that God will be right there with us through it all. You are a wonderful person. Love ya
I hope that you have had a wonderful holiday! I am sad we won't overlap in Saraland! I'm so thankful that you are there, you are a blessing to the congregation!
The other night, a customer complained about her and wanted to know if it was sanitary to have a nine-fingered waitress...a bunch of us heard it and had to run to the back because we were laughing so hard!
That's what I said! She bugs the living daylights out of me--tonight she closed the front and made me sweep again when the floor was clean enough to eat off of, and she made me clean tables that weren't even mine. She's just jealous because I have all my fingers.
Ok,
Well, I figured it was time for a new entry! Life since nursing school...well, that officially ended the first day of classes. We have at least one to three tests each week, usually covering about six chapter a piece. Everyone had told me to prepare myself...and they definitely weren't kidding. I think nursing school by far is one of the hardest things physical struggles and mental struggles I've ever gone through. The question that seems to keep rolling over in my mind is, "Can I do this?". Can I really get through and become the nurse that I want to be? I pray and pray, and even with praying I still doubt myself. I think that's probably true for everyone, but I don't know, it seems to just be a constant battle to just get through. It's funny, I'll look at my calendar and think oh it's going to get better, and then I have to slap myself and realize that this is just the beginning. I keep thinking that maybe tomorrow will be the last day of school, and then I realize I have four semesters left. But honestly, if it weren't hard, I don't think I would appreciate it as much. And with each test, paper, and clinical, I think I draw closer to God. He's there, and I guess it just took 20 years and 5 weeks in nursing school to realize. You know, I always knew he was there, but I just didn't put my complete faith in him. And now, he's the only one I draw nearer to. So, this has really been one of the greatest lessons I think I will ever learn. The struggles whether spiritual, physical, mental, or emotional, God's there. I think we get so spiritually independent that we forget that he's right there, just keeping his watchful eye on us. What a blessing...the creator of the universe is watching us and our every move. What an absolute joy to be able to always draw nearer to him!
Anyway, I just thought I would share my thoughts and prayers over the last couple of weeks. Just always remember that he's there!
And also, on another note, everyone keep November 1st through the 3rd in mind...1000 VOICES! Kernersville, NC! Everyone needs to come...it's awesome! I cannot wait! Fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ...what truly could be better!
Thanks for the invite to 1KV, we REALLY enjoyed ourselves. Sorry that we didn't get to spend much time togther. It was really spiritually uplifting. Thanks again for the invite!
Thanks for the congrats. Also, it was great getting to spend time with you guys as well, though it's never enough time. Thats just one crazy cram jam packed weekend. It was also great meeting your bro and his wife. It's always great to put a face with a name. Okay, take care.
Hey Marissa! Yes, I know that you haven't gotten the invitations yet. Turns out the mail didn't run yesterday. :) But I mailed them off today, so you should have them by Friday. Do please let me know when you get them though.
I hope yours was great, too! Sorry I didn't respond before it was over--I was housesitting for Christy and I can't deal with their computer. I turned off the monitor to sleep the first night (you know me, I need my total blackness) and couldn't get it turned on the next day. Naturally, Emma and Bethany kept me busy when I was over here, so I didn't get to check it until now. Your present is so in the mail in the next few days. :)
Thanks! It's funny people who know me say he looks like me and people who know Ryan say he looks like Ryan. A lot of people say he seems to be an exact 50/50 mix of both of us :) How are you?
Ok,
So this is huge news that I just couldn't keep to myself! After two long years of working on my prerequisites, I am now officially a real bonified NURSING STUDENT! I got my letter of acceptance today, telling me that I will be starting nursing school in the fall! I really couldn't contain myself! I just had to tell you all! One of these days, I will be taking care of patients, which I just cannot wait for that to happen! God has blessed me exceedingly, abundantly above! I would not have been here without him! And of course everyone who has supported me! I just wanted to tell you all! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Great job teaching class the past two nights. Its very encouraging to see your true love for the Lord. Have great trip and I see you in a couple of weeks. Aloha!
I know you're having a great time. Can't wait to see you & Meghann. I had no idea Ashton was outside until 4 am. Defenitely going to have a talk about that!
So, this teaching seventh grade thing is insanely hard. I will do my very best to call you after it's over--all I'm doing lately is more and more paperwork and falling into bed when I get home! Sad, I know. But I hope your first nursing semester goes well!
Dude, I am working. All the time, every day. It's what...midnight? And I'm still grading papers. Things would have been so much easier if the teacher I'm in for had done anything, but she didn't, so I had a day and half to accomplish what took everyone else all summer. Don't even get me started. But I'm actually having a great time teaching these kids. So, tomorrow night is Maggie's birthday thing, and I'm not sure when it'll be over. Feel free to call, though, and if we're still doing whatever it is that she's decided she wants to do, I'll call you back!
Just wanted to tell you that we really enjoyed you and Melanie coming over Tuesday night. We got in from B'ham a littel earlier today and my flowers were still looking beautiful. Thank you so much. Have a great week!
Thanks for including us in the 1000 Voices "thing", we may actually go! Hope you really meant the invitation.....you will learn if you don't already know it, the Mullinax's are pretty spontaneous (sp??) peaople. There isn't much that we won't go for.
I know, sorry about that. It's paperwork time at school and I'm up there late each day filling out forms and making copies on failing and ESL students. Want to switch places for a while? :)
Oh, I can handle grading and lesson plans. Easy. I'm just drowning in paperwork at the moment. Why can't each kid study and pass so that I don't have to do paperwork?
And good luck with school stuff! Don't listen to me--it's actually better here on the outside. (I sound like an escaped convict. Maybe I am; I don't know.)
